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Socrates.
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You will no way differ from Chaerephon in intellect.
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Strepsiades.
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Ah me, unhappy! I shall become half-dead.
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Socrates.
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Don’t chatter; but quickly follow me hither with smartness.
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Socrates.
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Proceed; why do you keep poking about the door?
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Chorus.
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Well, go in peace, for the sake of this your valour. May prosperity attend the man, because, being advanced into the vale of years,
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he imbues his intellect with modern subjects, and cultivates wisdom!
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Chorus.
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Spectators, I will freely declare to you the truth, by Bacchus, who nurtured me!
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So may I conquer, and be accounted skillful, as that, deeming you to be clever spectators, and this to be the cleverest of my comedies, I thought proper to let you first taste that comedy, which gave me the greatest labour. And then I retired from the contest defeated by vulgar fellows,
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though I did not deserve it. These things, therefore, I object to you, a learned audience, for whose sake I was expending this labour. But not even thus will I ever willingly desert the discerning portion of you. For since what time my Modest Man and my Rake were very highly praised here by an audience, with whom it is a pleasure even to hold converse, and I (for I was still a virgin, and it was not lawful for me as yet to have children)
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exposed my offspring, and another girl took it up, and owned it, and you generously reared and educated it, from this time I have had sure pledges of your good will toward me. Now, therefore, like that well-known Electra, has this comedy come seeking,
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if haply it meet with an audience so clever, for it will recognize, if it should see, the lock of its brother. But see how modest she is by nature, who, in the first place, has come, having stitched to her no leathern phallus hanging down, red at the top, and thick, to set the boys a laughing;
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nor yet jeered the bald-headed, nor danced the cordax; nor does the old man who speaks the verses beat the person near him with his staff, keeping out of sight wretched ribaldry; nor has she rushed in with torches, nor does she shout iou, iou; but has come relying on herself and her verses.
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And I, although so excellent a poet, do not give myself airs, nor do I seek to deceive you by twice and thrice bringing forward the same pieces; but I am always clever at introducing new fashions, not at all resembling each other, and all of them clever; who struck Cleon in the belly when at the height of his power,
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and could not bear to attack him afterward when he was down. But these scribblers, when once Hyperbolus has given them a handle, keep ever trampling on this wretched man and his mother. Eupolis, indeed, first of all craftily introduced his Maricas, having basely, base fellow, spoiled by altering my play of the Knights,
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having added to it, for the sake of the cordax, a drunken old woman, whom Phrynichus long ago poetized, whom the whale was for devouring. Then again Hermippus made verses on Hyperbolus; and now all others press hard upon Hyperbolus, imitating my simile of the eels.
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Whoever, therefore, laughs at these, let him not take pleasure in my attempts; but if you are delighted with me and my inventions, in times to come you will seem to be wise.
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Chorus.
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I first invoke, to join our choral band, the mighty Jupiter, ruling on high,
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the monarch of gods; and the potent master of the trident, the fierce upheaver of earth and briny sea; and our father of great renown,
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most august Aether, life-supporter of all; and the horse-guider, who fills the plain of the earth with exceeding bright beams, a mighty deity among gods and mortals.
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Chorus.
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Most clever spectators, come, give us your attention; for having been injured, we blame you to your faces. For though we benefit the state most of all the gods, to us alone of the deities you do not offer sacrifice nor yet pour libations, who watch over you. For if there should be any expedition
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without prudence, then we either thunder or drizzle small rain. And then, when you were for choosing as your general the Paphlagonian tanner, hateful to the gods, we contracted our brows and were enraged; and thunder burst through the lightning; and the Moon forsook her usual paths; and the Sun
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immediately drew in his wick to himself, and declared he would not give you light, if Cleon should be your general. Nevertheless you chose him. For they say that ill counsel is in this city; that the gods, however, turn all these your mismanagements to a prosperous issue.
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And how this also shall be advantageous, we will easily teach you. If you should convict the cormorant Cleon of bribery and embezzlement, and then make fast his neck in the stocks, the affair will turn out for the state to the ancient form again, if you have mismanaged in any way, and to a prosperous issue.
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Chorus.
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Hear me again, King Phoebus, Delian Apollo, who inhabitest the high-peaked Cynthian rock! And thou, blessed goddess, who inhabitest the all-golden house of Ephesus,
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in which Lydian damsels greatly reverence thee; and thou, our national goddess, swayer of the aegis, Minerva, guardian of the city! And thou, reveler Bacchus, who, inhabiting the Parnassian rock, sparklest with torches,
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conspicuous among the Delphic Bacchanals!
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Chorus.
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When we had got ready to set out hither, the Moon met us, and commanded us first to greet the Athenians and their allies;
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and then declared that she was angry, for that she had suffered dreadful things, though she benefits you all, not in words, but openly. In the first place, not less than a drachma every month for torches; so that also all, when they went out of an evening, were wont to say, Boy, don’t buy a torch, for the moonlight is beautiful.
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And she says she confers other benefits on you, but that you do not observe the days at all correctly, but confuse them up and down; so that she says the gods are constantly threatening her, when they are defrauded of their dinner, and depart home, not having met with the regular feast according to the number of the days.
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And then, when you ought to be sacrificing, you are inflicting tortures and litigating. And often, while we gods are observing a fast, when we mourn for Memnon or Sarpedon, you are pouring libations and laughing. For which reason Hyperbolus, having obtained the lot this year to be Hieromnemon, was afterward deprived by us gods
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of his crown; for thus he will know better that he ought to spend the days of his life according to the Moon.
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Socrates.
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By Respiration, and Chaos, and Air, I have not seen any man so boorish, nor so impracticable, nor so stupid, nor so forgetful;
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who, while learning some little petty quibbles, forgets them before he has learned them. Nevertheless I will certainly call him out here to the light. Where is Strepsiades? Come forth with your couch.
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Strepsiades.
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(from within). The bugs do not permit me to bring it forth.
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Socrates.
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Make haste and lay it down; and give me your attention.
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Socrates.
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Come now; what do you now wish to learn first of those things in none of which you have ever been instructed? Tell me. About measures, or rhythms, or verses?
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Strepsiades.
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I should prefer to learn about measures; for it is but lately I was cheated out of two choenices by a meal-huckster.
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Socrates.
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I do not ask you this, but which you account the most beautiful measure; the trimetre or the tetrameter?
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Strepsiades.
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I think nothing superior to the semisextarius.
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Socrates.
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You talk nonsense, man.
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Socrates.
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Go to the devil! How boorish you are and dull of learning. Perhaps you may be able to learn about rhythms.
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Strepsiades.
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But what good will rhythms do me for a living?
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Socrates.
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In the first place, to be clever at an entertainment, understanding what rhythm is for the war-dance, and what, again, according to the dactyle.
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Strepsiades.
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According to the dactyle? By Jove, but I know it!
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Strepsiades.
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What else but this finger? Formerly, indeed, when I was yet a boy, this here!
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Socrates.
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You are boorish and stupid.
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Strepsiades.
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That, that, the most unjust cause.
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Socrates.
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But you must learn other things before these; namely, what quadrupeds are properly masculine.
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Strepsiades.
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I know the males, if I am not mad:—κριὸς, τράγος, ταῦρος, κύων, ἀλεκτρυών.
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Socrates.
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Do you see what you are doing? You are calling both the female and the male ἀλεκτρυὼν in the same way.
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Strepsiades.
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How, pray? Come, tell me.
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Strepsiades.
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Yea, by Neptune! How now ought I to call them?
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Socrates.
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The one ἀλεκτρύαινα and the other ἀλέκτωρ.
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Strepsiades.
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Ἀλεκτρύαινα? Capital, by the Air! So that, in return for this lesson alone, I will fill your kardopos full of barley-meal on all sides.
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Socrates.
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See! See! There again is another blunder! You make κάρδοπος, which is feminine, to be masculine.
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Socrates.
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Κάρδοπος with you is tantamount to Κλεώνυμος.
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Strepsiades.
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Good sir, Cleonymus had no kneading-trough, but kneaded his bread in a round mortar. How ought I to call it henceforth?
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Strepsiades.
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Καρδόπη in the feminine?
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Strepsiades.
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But that would make it καρδόπη, Κλεωνύμη.
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Socrates.
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You must learn one thing more about names, what are masculine and what of them are feminine.
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Strepsiades.
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I know what are female.
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Strepsiades.
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Lysilla, Philinna, Clitagora, Demetria.
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Socrates.
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What names are masculine?
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Socrates.
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But, you wretch! These are not masculine.
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Strepsiades.
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Are they not males with you?
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Strepsiades.
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How would I call? Thus: Come hither, come hither Amynia!
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Socrates.
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Do you see? You call Amynias a woman.
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Strepsiades.
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Is it not then with justice, who does not serve in the army? But why should I learn these things, that we all know?
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Socrates.
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It is no use, by Jupiter! Having reclined yourself down here-
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Socrates.
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Think out some of your own affairs.
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Strepsiades.
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Not here, pray, I beseech you; but, if I must, suffer me to excogitate these very things on the ground.
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Socrates.
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There is no other way.
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Chorus.
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Now meditate and examine closely; and roll yourself about in every way, having wrapped yourself up; and quickly, when you fall into a difficulty, spring to another
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mental contrivance. But let delightful sleep be absent from your eyes.
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Strepsiades.
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Attatai! Attatai!
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Chorus.
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What ails you? Why are you distressed?
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Strepsiades.
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Wretched man, I am perishing! The Corinthians, coming out from the bed, are biting me, and devouring my sides, and drinking up my life-blood, and tearing away my flesh, and digging through my vitals, and will annihilate me.
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Chorus.
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Do not now be very grievously distressed.
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Strepsiades.
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Why, how, when my money is gone, my complexion gone, my life gone, and my slipper gone?
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And furthermore in addition to these evils, with singing the night-watches, I am almost gone myself.
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Socrates.
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Ho you! What are you about? Are you not meditating?
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Strepsiades.
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Whether any bit of me will be left by the bugs.
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Socrates.
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You will perish most wretchedly.
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Socrates.
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You must not give in, but must wrap yourself up; for you have to discover a device for abstracting, and a means of cheating.
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Socrates.
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Come now; I will first see this fellow, what he is about. Ho you! Are you asleep?
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Socrates.
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Have you got anything?
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Strepsiades.
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Nothing, except what I have in my right hand.
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Socrates.
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Will you not quickly cover yourself up and think of something?
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Strepsiades.
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About what? For do you tell me this, O Socrates!
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Socrates.
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Do you, yourself, first find out and state what you wish.
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Strepsiades.
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You have heard a thousand times what I wish. About the interest; so that I may pay no one.
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Socrates.
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Come then, wrap yourself up, and having given your mind play with subtilty, revolve your affairs by little and little, rightly distinguishing and examining.
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Socrates.
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Keep quiet; and if you be puzzled in any one of your conceptions, leave it and go; and then set your mind in motion again, and lock it up.
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Strepsiades.
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(in great glee). O dearest little Socrates!
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Strepsiades.
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I have got a device for cheating them of the interest.
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Socrates.
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Exhibit it.
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Strepsiades.
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If I were to purchase a Thessalian witch,
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and draw down the moon by night, and then shut it up, as if it were a mirror, in a round crest-case, and then carefully keep it—
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Socrates.
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What good, pray, would this do you?
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Strepsiades.
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Because the money is lent out by the month.