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ZEUS

Plague take all philosophers who say that bliss is to be found only among the gods! If they but knew all that we endure for the sake of men, they would not envy us our nectar and ambrosia, putting their trust in Homer, a blind man and a fraud, who called us blissful and told about what is in heaven when he could not even see what is on earth. Here is an example right at hand: Helius puts his team to his chariot and traverses the sky all day long, clad in a garment of fire and resplendent with rays, not even getting leisure enough to scratch his ear, as they say: for if he unconsciously relaxes the least bit, his horses run away, turn out of the road, and burn everything up. Selene, too, goes about without a wink of sleep, giving light to night-roisterers and people returning late from dinners. Apollo, again, has taken up a very active profession, and has been deafened almost completely by people besetting him with requests for prophecies. One moment he has to be in Delphi; the next, he runs to Colophon; from there he crosses to Xanthus, and again at full speed

to Delos or to Branchidae. In a word, wherever his prophetess, after drinking from the holy well and chewing laurel and setting the tripod ashake, bids him appear, there is no delaying—he must present himself immediately to reel off his prophecies, or else it is all up with his reputation in the profession. I say nothing of the devices they get up to test his powers of divination, cooking mutton and turtle together, so that if he had not a good nose, that Lydian would have gone off laughing at him.

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As for Asclepius, he is pestered by the sick: “Dire sights he sees, and touches what he loathes, and in the woes of others finds a crop of sorrow for himself.”

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Why should I refer either to the Winds, that aid the crops and speed the ships on their courses and blow upon the winnowers, or to Sleep, that wings his way to everyone, or to Jack-of-dreams, that keeps vigil all night long with Sleep and serves as his interpreter? All this work the gods do out of love for man, each contributing to life on earth.

ZEUS

And yet the others are not so badly off in comparison with myself. I am the monarch and father of all: but how many discomforts I put up with and how many bothers I have, distracted as I am by such a number of things to think of! First, I must oversee the work of all the other gods who help me in any way in administering my sovereignty, in order that they may not be remiss in it. Then I myself have to do any number of tasks that are almost impossible to carry out on account of their minuteness; for it is not to be supposed that I

simply manage and direct in person the principal features of my administration, such as rain, hail, wind, and lightning, and that then I am through, being dispensed from thinking of details. No, not only must I do all that, but I must look in all directions at the same time and keep an eye on everybody, just like the herdsman at Nemea,

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to see who is stealing, who is committing perjury, who is offering sacrifice, whether anybody has poured a drinkoffering, from what quarter the steam and the smoke of burnt-offerings rise, who has called upon me in sickness or at sea. What is most laborious of all, at one and the same moment I must attend the great sacrifice at Olympia, keep an eye on the armies at war near Babylon, send hail in the country of the Getae, and attend a banquet among the Ethiopians. At that, it is not easy to escape criticism. It often happens that the others, “the gods and the warriors crested with horse-tails,” sleep all through the night, while I, though Zeus, am not “held in the sweetness of slumber,”

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for if I drowse off, even for an instant, Epicurus is instantly confirmed in his assertion that we exercise no providence over what happens on earth. And we cannot make light of the danger if men are going to take his word for this’: our temples will have no wreaths, our wayside shrines no savoury steam, our wine-bowls no drink-offerings, our altars will be cold, and in short there will be general dearth of sacrifices and oblations, and famine will be rife. For that reason, like the master of a ship, I stand by myself high up on the stern with the tiller in my hands, and everybody else aboard gets drunk, perhaps, and goes to sleep, whereas I,

without closing my eyes or eating, “ponder in heart and in soul”

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for the benefit of all, rewarded only by being considered captain.

ZEUS

So I should like to ask the philosophers, who say that only the gods are happy, when they suppose we really find leisure for our nectar and our ambrosia in the midst of our countless bothers. Now, here is a case in point: for lack of spare time we are keeping all these stale lawsuits filed away, already spoiled by mildew and spiders’ webs, especially those brought against certain persons by the sciences and the arts—some of these are very antiquated.

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People are making an outcry on all sides and losing patience and hurling reproaches at Justice.and blaming me for my slowness, not knowing that the hearings have not been postponed, as it happens, on account of our negligence, but on account of the bliss in which they imagine we exist: for that is what they call our press of business.

HERMES I myself hear a great many complaints of that sort on earth, Zeus, but I did not venture to mention them to you. Now, however, I shall do so, as you began the discussion of this topic. They are indeed out of patience and indignant, father, and although they do not venture to talk openly, they put their heads together and grumble, finding fault with the delay. These men should have known long ago how things stood with them and should have acquiesced in the verdict in each case. ZEUS Well, what do you think, Hermes? Shall we open a session.of court for them, or do you wish we should announce it for next year? HERMES No, indeed; let us open it now. ZEUS Do so. Fly down and proclaim that there will be a session of court under the following regulations. All who have entered suit are to come to the Areopagus to-day; at that place Justice is to empanel juries for them out of the entire body of Athenians, the number of jurymen to depend upon the penalty involved; and if anyone thinks that his hearing has been unjust, he is to be allowed to appeal to me and have the case tried afresh, just as if it had not been tried at all. (Zo Justice) Daughter, take your place beside the Dread Goddesses,The Eumenides, since the trial of Orestes, had an altar on the Areopagus. empanel the juries and have an eye on the trials.

JUSTICE Back to earth once more, to be driven off by them and to flee from the world again because I cannot stand being laughed at by Injustice? ZEUS You must be of good hope. Certainly by now the philosophers have persuaded them to regard you more highly than Injustice; especially the son of Sophroniscus,Socrates. who praised just dealing to the skies and declared it the greatest of blessings. JUSTICE Truly the very man you mention profited greatly by his talk about me! He was handed over to the Eleven, thrown into prison, and drank hemlock, poor fellow, before he had even paid that cock to Asclepius;His last words were: “Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Do pay it without fail.” (End of Phaedo). so much the better of the argument had his accusers, whose philosophy was directly opposed to his, and favoured Injustice.

ZEUS

The people were still unfamiliar with the teachings of philosophy at that time, and there were few that pursued it, so it was natural that the juries inclined towards Anytus and Meletus. But at present, do not you see how many short cloaks and staves and wallets there are? On all sides there are long beards, and books in the left hand, and everybody preaches in favour of you; the public walks are full of people assembling in companies and in battalions, and there is nobody who does not want to be thought a scion of Virtue. In fact, many, giving up the trades that they had before, rush after the wallet and the cloak, tan their bodies in the sun to Ethiopian hue, make themselves extemporaneous philosophers out of cobblers or carpenters, and go about praising you and your virtue. Consequently, in the words of the proverb, it would be easier for a man to fall in a boat without hitting a plank than for your eye to miss a philosopher wherever it looks.

JUSTICE Yes, but those very men frighten me, Zeus, by quarrelling with each other and showing unfairness even in their discussions of me. It is rumoured, too, that while most of them claim kinship with me in words, when it comes to facts they do not even open their house to me at all, but make it plain that they will lock me out if ever I come to their door; for they made Injustice their bosom friend long ago. ZEUS They are not all bad, my daughter, and it is enough if you find some that are good. But go now, so that a few cases, at least, may be heard to-day.

HERMES Let us set out in this direction, Justice, straight for Sunium, not far from the foot of Hymettus, to the left of Parnes, where you see those two heightsLycabettus and the Acropolis. The promontory of Sunium is the most conspicuous landmark because Hermes and Justice are coming down from above, and from seaward (cf. below, ἐν δεξιᾷ). Lucian’s gods live in Heaven, not on Olympus or Ida. ; you have probably forgotten the way long since. But why are you crying and taking it hard? Don't be afraid: things are no longer the same in life. All those Scirons and Pinebenders and Busirises and Phalarises whom you used to fear in former days are dead, and now Wisdom and the Academy and the Porch are in full sway, seek for you everywhere, and hold conversations about you, in open-mouthed expectation that, from some quarter or other, you may perhaps come flying down to them once more. JUSTICE Well, Hermes, you are the only person who can tell me the truth, inasmuch as you associate with them a great deal, passing your days with them in the athletic clubs and in the market-place; for you are the god of the market, as well as being crier in the meetings of the assembly. What sort’of people are they, and is it possible for me to abide among them? HERMES To be sure; I should not be treating you fairly if I did not tell you, since you are my sister. Most of them have been helped not a little by philosophy: for if it goes no further, at least regard for their cloth makes them more circumspect in sinning. However, you will come upon a few rascals among them—I must tell the truth, I suppose—and some who are partly wise and partly foolish. You see, when Wisdom took them in hand and dyed them over, all those who thoroughly absorbed the dye were made entirely serviceable, without any intermixture of other hues, and they are quite ready to receive you; while those who because of their ingrained filth were not deeply penetrated by the colouring matter of the dyestuff are better than the rest, to be sure, but unfinished products, half-white, blemished, and spotted like the pard. And there are some who have only touched the kettle on the outside with a finger-tip and smeared on some of the soot, yet think that they too are well enough dyed over. You, however, will of course pass your time with the best of them.

HERMES But in the course of our talk we are already drawing near to Attica, so let us leave Sunium on our right, and now let us glide down to the Acropolis. Now that we have alighted, you sit down here on the Areopagus somewhere, facing the Pnyx, and wait until I give out the proclamation from Zeus. If I climb the Acropolis it will be easier for me to summon everybody from that point of vantage for the voice. JUSTICE Don’t go, Hermes, until you have told me who comes here, the person with the horns and the shepherd’s pipe and the hairy legs. HERMES What! Don’t you know Pan, the most bacchanalian of the servants of Dionysus? He formerly lived on Parthenion,A mountain in Arcadia. but at the time of the approach of Datis by sea and the landing of the barbarians at Marathon, he came unasked to fight on the side of the Athenians; and since then, accepting this cavern under the Acropolis, a little above the Pelasgicon,The cave of Pan, being in the N.W. corner of the Acropolis, can be pointed out (ταύτην) trom the Areopagus, which is close by (ἐκ γειτόνων). For the bit of the prehistoric wall below it (Pelasgicon), see p. 63, note 1, and p. 71. he lives in it, paying the usual tax as a resident alien. Very likely he has seen us near and is coming up to greet us.

PAN Good day to you, Hermes and Justice. HERMES The same to you, Pan, most musical and most frolicsome of all satyrs, and at Athens the most bellicose! PAN What business brought you two here, Hermes? HERMES She will tell you the whole story; I am going to the Acropolis, to make my proclamation. JUSTICE Zeus sent me down, Pan, to empanel juries for the lawsuits. But how do you find things in Athens? PAN On the whole, I do not get on as well as I ought here—much worse than I expected; and yet I dis- pelled the mighty hue and cry of the barbarians. In spite of that, they come up only two or three times a year, pick out and sacrifice in my honour a he-goat with a powerful goatish smell, and then feast on the meat, making me a mere witness of their good cheer and paying their respects to me only with their noise. However, their laughter and fun afford me some amusement.

JUSTICE In general, Pan, have they been improved in virtue by the philosophers? PAN What do you mean by philosophers? Those gloomy fellows, flocking together, with beards like mine, who talk so much? JUSTICE To be sure. PAN I do not know at all what they mean and_I do not understand their wisdom, for I am a mountaineer and I have not studied those clever, citified, technical terms, Justice. How could a literary man or a philosopher possibly come from Arcadia? My wisdom does not go beyond the flute and the pipes; for the rest I am a goatherd, a dancer, and if need bea fighter. However, I hear them bawling continually and talking about “virtue” (whatever that means) and “ideas” and “nature” and “things incorporeal,” terms that are to me unknown and outlandish. They begin their discussions peaceably, but as the conference proceeds they raise their voices to a high falsetto, so that, what with their excessive straining and their endeavour to talk at the same time, their faces get red, their necks get swollen, and their veins stand out like those of flute-players when they try to blow into a closed flute. In fact, they spoil their arguments, confuse the original subject of inquiry, and then, after abusing one another, most of them, they go away wiping the sweat off their foreheads with their bent fingers; and the man that is most loud-mouthed and impudent and leaves last when they break up is considered to have the best of it. However, the common people admire them, especially those who have nothing more pressing to do, and stand there enchanted by their impudence and their shouting. For my part, I considered them impostors in consequence of all this, and was annoyed at the resemblance in beard. But perhaps there was something beneficial to the common weal in their shouting and some good sprang from those technical terms of theirs—I can’t say. However, if I am to tell the truth without any reserve—for I dwell on a look-out, as you see—I have often seen many of them in the dark of the evening—

JUSTICE Hush, Pan; didn’t it seem to you that Hermes is making a proclamation? PAN Why, yes. HERMES Oyez, oyez! Under the blessing of Heaven, we shall hold a session of court to-day, the seventh of Elaphebolion.The seventh of Elaphebolion was not far from the first of April. All who have entered suits are to come to the Areopagus, where Justice will empanel the juries and be present in person at the trials. The jurors will be drawn from the entire body of Athenians; the pay will be three obols a case, and the number of jurors will be in accordance with the charge. All those who have entered suits but have died before they came to trial are to be sent back to earth by Aeacus. If anyone thinks he has had an unjust hearing, he is to appeal the case, and the appeal will be to Zeus. PAN Heavens, what a hubbub! What a shout they raised, Justice, and how eagerly they are gathering at a run, dragging each other up the hill, straight for the Areopagus! Hermes, too, is here already, so busy yourselves with the cases, empanel your juries and give your verdicts as usual; I am going back to the cave to pipe one of the passionate melodies with © which I am in the habit of provoking Echo. I am sick of trials and speeches, for I hear the pleaders on the Areopagus every day.

HERMES Come, Justice, let’s call them to the bar. JUSTICE Quite right. Indeed they are approaching incrowds, as you see, with a great noise, buzzing about the hilltop like wasps. ATHENIAN I’ve got you, curse you! SECOND ATHENIAN You are a blackmailer! THIRD ATHENIAN At last you are going to pay the penalty! FOURTH ATHENIAN I will prove that you have committed horrible crimes! FIFTH ATHENIAN Empanel my jury first! SIXTH ATHENIAN Come to court with me, scoundrel! SEVENTH ATHENIAN Stop choking me! JUSTICE Do you know what we ought to do, Hermes? Let us put off the rest of. the cases until to-morrow, and to-day let us provide only for those entered by professions or pursuits or sciences against men. Pass me up the writs of that description.As Hermes gives each writ to Justice, he reads the heading and she tells him how many jurors are to be drawn. Her orders are carried out in silence, and the juries are all in readiness when the first case is called, which is not until she has filled the docket for the day (§ 15). HERMES Intemperance v. the Academy in re Polemo: kidnapping.Polemo, intemperate in his youth, went to a lecture by Xenocrates to create a disturbance, but was converted to philosophy by what he heard. He succeeded Xenocrates as ead of the Academy (Diog. L. iv. 1 ff.). JUSTICE Draw seven jurors. HERMES Stoa v. Pleasure: alienation of affections— because Pleasure coaxed away her lover, Dionysius.Dionyaius the Convert was a pupil of Zeno, but became a Cyrenaic, “being converted to pleasure; for sore eyes gave him so much trouble that he could not bring himself to μaintain any longer that pain did not matter” (Diog. L. vii. 1, 31; cf. vii. 4). JUSTICE Five will do. HERMES High-living v. Virtue, re Aristippus.Follower of Socrates; later, founder of the Cyrenaic School. JUSTICE Let five sit in this case too. HERMES Banking v. Diogenes: absconding.Diogenes the Cynic was son and partner of the banker Hicesias in Sinope. They were caught muking counterfeit coin; the father was put to death, and the son fled to Athens (Diog. L. vii. 2, 1). JUSTICE Draw only three. HERMES Painting v. Pyrrho: breach of contract.Pyrrho the Sceptic began life as an artist (Diog. L. ix. 11). JUSTICE Let nine sit on jury.

HERMES Do you want us to provide juries for these two cases also, recorded yesterday against the public speaker?Lucian; coming from Samosata on the Euphrates, he is presently called “the Syrian.” JUSTICE Let us first finish up the cases of long-standing; these can go over until to-morrow for trial. HERMES Why, these are of the same nature, and the complaint, although recent, is very like those for which we have already provided juries, so that it ought to be tried along with them. JUSTICE You appear to have been unduly influenced to make the request, Hermes. Let us make the drawing, however, since you wish; but only for these two cases; we have enough on the docket. Give me the writs. HERMES Oratory v. the Syrian: neglect. Dialogue v. the same: maltreatment. JUSTICE Who is this man? His name is not recorded. HERMES Empanel a jury for him as it stands in the writ— for the public speaker, the Syrian. There is nothing to hinder its being done anonymously. JUSTICE Look here, are we really to try cases from over the border here in Athens, on the Areopagus? They ought to have been tried on the other side of the Euphrates. However, draw eleven jurors, the same to sit for both cases. HERMES You are right, Justice, to avoid spending too much in jury-fees.

JUSTICE Let the first jury sit, in the“case of the Academy v. Intemperance. Fill the water-clock. Plead first, Intemperance . . . Why does she hold her tongue and shake her head? Go to her and find out, Hermes. HERMES She says that she cannot plead her case because her tongue is tied with drink and she is afraid of getting laughed at in court. She can hardly stand, as you see. JUSTICE Then let her have an advocate appear, one of these public pleaders. There are plenty of them ready to split their lungs for three obols! HERMES But not one will care to espouse the cause of Intemperance, not openly, at any rate. However, this request of hers seems reasonable. JUSTICE What request? HERMES “The Academy,” she says, “is always ready to argue on both sides and trains herself to be able to speak eloquently both pro and con. Therefore let her plead first for me, and then after that she will plead for herself.” JUSTICE That is unprecedented. Nevertheless, make both speeches, Academy, since it is easy for you.

ACADEMY Listen first, gentlemen of the jury, to the plea of Intemperance, as the water now runs for her. The poor creature has been treated with the greatest injustice by me, the Academy. She has been robbed of the only friendly and faithful slave she had, who thought none of her orders unbecoming, Polemo yonder, who used to go roistering through the middle of the square in broad day, who kept a music-girl’and had himself sung to from morning to night, who was always drunk and debauched and had garlands of flowers on his head. That this: is true, all the Athenians will testify; for they never saw Polemosober. But when the unhappy man went rollicking to the Academy's door, as he used to go to everybody's, she claimed him as her slave, snatched him out of the hands of Intemperance by main strength, and took him into her house. Then she forced him to drink water, taught him to keep sober, stripped off his garlands: and when he ought to have been drinking at table, she made him study intricate, gloomy terms, full of profound thought. So, instead of the flush that formerly glowed upon him, the poor man has grown pale, and his body is shrivelled; he has forgotten all his songs, and he sometimes sits without food or drink till the middle of the evening, talking the kind of balderdash that I, the Academy, teach people to talk unendingly. What is more, he even abuses Intemperance at my instigation and says any number of unpleasant things about her. I have said about all that there is to say for Intemperance. Now I will speak for myself, and from this point let the water run for me. JUSTICE What in the world will she say in reply to that? Anyhow, pour in the same amount for her in turn.

ACADEMY Heard casually, gentlemen of the jury, the plea which the advocate has made in behalf of Intemperance is quite plausible, but if you give an unprejudiced hearing to my plea also, you will find out that I have done her no wrong at all. This man Polemo, who, she « says, is her servant, was not naturally bad or inclined to Intemperance, but had a nature like mine. But while he was still young and impressionable she preémpted him, with the assistance of Pleasure, who usually helps her, and corrupted the poor fellow, surrendering him unconditionally to dissipation and to light women, so that he had not the slightest remnant of shame. In fact, what she thoughf€ was said on her behalf a moment ago, you should consider said on my behalf. The poor fellow went about from early to late with garlands on his head, flushed with wine, attended by music right through the public square, never sober, making roisterous calls upon everybody, a disgrace to his ancestors and to the whole city and a laughing-stock to strangers. But when he came to my house, it chanced that, as usual, the doors were wide open and I was discoursing about virtue and temperance to such of my friends as were there. Coming in upon us with his flute and his garlands, first of all he began to shout and tried to break up our meeting by disturbing it with his noise. But we paid no attention to him, and as he was not entirely sodden with Intemperance, little by little he grew sober under the influence of our discourses, took off his garlands, silenced his flute-player, became ashamed of his purple mantle, and, awaking, as it were, from profound sleep, saw his own condition and condemned his past life. The flush that came from Intemperance faded and vanished, and he flushed for shame at what he was doing. At length he abandoned her then and there, and took up with me, not because I either invited or constrained him, as this person says, but voluntarily, because he believed the conditions here were better. Please summon him now, that you may see how he has fared at my hands.... Taking this man, gentlemen of the jury, when he was in a ridiculous plight, unable either to talk or to stand on account of his potations, I converted him and sobered him and made him from a slave into a well-behaved, temperate man, very valuable to the Greeks; and he himself is grateful to me for it, as are also his relatives on his account. I have done. It is for you now to consider which of us it was better for him to associate with.

JUSTICE Come, now, do not delay; cast your ballots and get up; others must have their hearing. HERMES The Academy wins by every vote but one. JUSTICE It is not at all surprising that there should be one man to vote for Intemperance.

JUTICE

Take your seats, you who have been drawn to hear Stoa v. Pleasure in re a lover. The clock is filled. You with the paint upon you and the gaudy colours, make your plea now.

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STOA I am not unaware, gentlemen of the jury, that I shall have to speak against an attractive opponent; indeed, I see that most of you are gazing at her and smiling at her, contemptuous of me because my head is close-clipped, my glance is masculine, and I seem dour. Nevertheless, if you are willing to hear me speak, I am confident that my plea will be.far more just than hers. As a matter of fact, the present charge is that by getting herself up in this courtesan style she beguiled my lover, Dionysius, a respectable man until then, by the seductiveness of her appearance, and drew him to herself. Furthermore, the suit which your predecessors decided between the Academy and Intemperance was the twin-sister of the present suit. For the point at issue now is whether we should live like swine with our noses to the ground in the enjoyment of pleasure, without a single noble thought, or whether, considering what is enjoyable — secondary to what is right, we should follow philosophy in a free spirit like free men, neither fearing pain as invincible nor giving preference to pleasure in a servile spirit and seeking happiness in honey and in figs. By holding out such bait to silly people and by making a bogey. out of pain,' my opponent wins over the greater part of them, and this poor man is one; she made him run away from me by keeping an eye upon him until he was ill, for while he was well he would never have accepted her arguments. After all, why should I be indignant at her? Forsooth, she does not even let the gods alone, but _slanders their management of afffirs! If you are wise, then, you will give her a sentence for impiety also. I hear, too, that she is not even prepared to plead in person, but will have Epicurus appear as her illustrating the point that Cicero makes in the T'uscwlans (ii. 15): Haec duo (te. laborem et dolorem) Graeci illi, quorum copiosior est lingua quam’ nostra, uno nomine appellant . . . O verborum inops interdum, quibus abundare te semper putas, Graecia! advocate, such contempt does she show the court!; But see here—ask her what kind of men she thinks Heracles and your ownAthenian. Theseus would have been if they had allied themselves to Pleasure and had shirked pain and toil. Nothing would hinder the earth from being full of wrong-doing if they had not toiled painfully. This is all I have to say, for I am not at all fond of long speeches. But if she should consent to let me put questions and to give a brief reply to each, it would very soon be evident that she amounts to nothing. However, remember your oath and vote in accordance with it now, putting no faith in Epicurus, who says that the gods take no note of what happens among us. JUSTICE Stand aside. Epicurus, speak for Pleasure.

EPICURUS I shall not address you at length, gentlemen of the jury, for I myself do not need many words. If Pleasure had used charms or philtres to constrain Dionysius, whom Stoa claims to be her lover, to desert Stoa and to centre his regard upon her, she might fairly have been held a sorceress and might have been found guilty of using undue influence upon the lovers of others. But suppose a free man in a free city, unstopped by the laws, hating the tedium of life with her and thinking that the happiness which comes, she says, as the consummation of pain is stuff and nonsense, made his escape from her thorny, labyrinthine reasonings and ran away to Pleasure of his own free will, cutting the meshes of her logic as if they weré bonds, because he had the spirit of a human being, not of a clod, and thought pain painful, as indeed it is, and pleasure pleasant, in that case would it have been right to bar him out, plunging him head over ears into a sea of pain when he was swimming from a wreck to a haven and yearned for calm water—to put the poor fellow at the mercy of her dilemmas in spite of the fact that he was seeking asylum with Pleasure like a suppliant at the Altar of Mercy—in order that he might climb “the steep” with copious sweat, cast eyes upon that famous Virtue,For the Hill of Virtue, see Hesiod, Works and Days, 289 ff., and Simonides, 41. and then, after toiling painfully his whole life long, be happy when life is over? Who should be considered a better judge than this man himself, who knew the teachings of Stoa if ever a man did, and formerly thought that only what was right was good, but now has learnt that pain is bad, and so has chosen what he has determined to be the better? He saw, no doubt, that her set make a great deal of talk about fortitude and endurance of pain, but privately pay court to Pleasure; that they are bold as brass in the lecture-room, but live under the laws of Pleasure at home; that they are ashamed, of course, to let themselves be seen “lowering their pitch” and playing false to their tenets, but suffer the tortures of Tantalus, poor fellows, so that wherever they think they will be unobserved and can transgress their laws with safety, they eagerly glut themselves with pleasure. In fact, if they should be given the ring of Gyges, so that they could put it on and be unseen, or the Cap of Darkness, without a doubt they would bid good-bye to pain for ever and would go crowding after Pleasure, one and all, imitating Dionysius who, until he was ill, expected to get some benefit from their discourses about fortitude, but when he encountered suffering and illness, and pain came closer home to him, he perceived that his body was contradicting Stoa and maintaining the opposite side. So he put more trust in it than in her set, decided that he was ‘aman, with the body of a man, and thenceforward treated it otherwise than as if it were a statue, well. aware that whoever maintains any other view and accuses Pleasure Doth like to talk, but thinks as others do! Euripides, Phoenissae360. I have done. Cast your ballots with this understanding of the case.

STOA No, no! Let me cross-question him a little. EPICURUS Put your questions: I will answer them. STOA Do you consider pain bad? EPICURUS Yes. STOA And pleasure good? EPICURUS Certainly. STOA Well, do you know the meaning of “material” and “immaterial,” of ‘approved” and “disapproved”?Stoic technical terms: see vol. ii, p. 488. Stoa intends to prove that pleasure and pain are alike “immaterial,” and neither “approved” nor “disapproved,” because they neither help nor hinder the effort to attain Virtue. EPICURUS Certainly. HERMES Stoa, the jurors say they can’t understand these dissyllabic questions, so be silent; they are voting. STOA I should have won if I had put him a question in the form of the “third indemonstrable.”The five “indemonstrables” of Chrysippus, so called because they are self-evident and require no proof, were all hypothetical or disjunctive syllogisms; examples are: (1) “if it is day, it is light; it is light, —> it is day”; (2) “if it is day, it is light; it is dark, —> it is not day”; (3) “Plato is not both dead and alive; he is dead, —> he is not alive”; (4) “it is either day or night; it is day, —> it is not night”; (5) “it is either day or night; it is not night, —> it is day.” Cf. Diog. Laert. Vit, Phil. 7, 1, 49; Sext. Emp. adv. Math. 7. JUSTICE Who won? HERMES Pleasure, unanimously. STOA I appeal to Zeus! JUSTICE Good luck to you! Hermes, call another case.

HERMES Virtue v. High-living, im re Aristippus. Let Aristippus appear in person. VIRTUE I ought to speak first; I am Virtue, and Aristippus belongs to me, as his words and his deeds indicate. HIGH-LIVING No, indeed; I ought to speak first; I am High-living, and the man is mine, as you can see from his garlands, his purple cloak and his perfumes. JUSTICE Do not wrangle; this case will stand over until Zeus decides the case of Dionysius, for this seems to be similar. Consequently, if Pleasure wins, Highliving shall have Aristippus, but if Stoa prevails, he shall be adjudged to Virtue. So let others appear. Look here, though—these jurors are not to get the fee, for their case has not come to trial. HERMES Then are they to have come up here for nothing, old as they are, and the hill so high? JUSTICE It will be enough if they get a third. Go your ways; don’t be angry, you shall serve another day.

HERMES It is time for Diogenes of Sinope to appear. Make your complaint, Banking. DIOGENES I protest, if she does not stop bothering me, Justice, it will not be running away that she will have me up for, but aggravated assault and battery, for I shall mighty soon.take my staff and. .. . JUSTICE What have we here? Banking has run away, and he is making after her with his stick raised. The poor creature is likely to catch it pretty badly! Call Pyrrho,

HERMES Painting is here, Justice, but Pyrrho has not come up at all. It might have been expected that he would do this. JUSTICE Why, Hermes? HERMES Because he does not believe there is any true standard of judgment. JUSTICE Then let them bring in a verdict by default against him. Now call the speech-writer, the Syrian. After all, it was only recently that the writs were lodged against him, and there was no pressing need to have tried the cases now. However, since that point has been decided, introduce the suit of Oratory first. Heavens, what a crowd has come together for the hearing! HERMES Naturally, Justice. The case is not stale, but new and unfamiliar, having been entered only yesterday, as you said, and they hope to hear Oratory and Dialogue bringing charges in turn and the Syrian defending himself against both; this has brought crowds to court. But do begin your speech, Oratory.

ORATORY

In the first place, men of Athens, I pray the gods and goddesses one and al] that as much good will as I steadily entertain toward the city and toward all.of you may be shown me by you in this case, and secondly that the gods may move you to do what is above all the just thing to do—to bid my

opponent hold his tongue and to let me make the complaint in the way that I have preferred and chosen. I cannot come to the same conclusion when I contemplate my own experiences and the speeches that I hear, for the speeches that he will make to you will be as like as can be to mine, but his actions, as you shall see, have gone so far that measures must be taken to prevent my experiencing worse injury at his hands

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. . . But not to prolong my introduction when the water has been running freely this long time, I will begin my complaint.

ORATORY When this man was a mere boy, gentlemen of the jury, still speaking with a foreign accent and I might almost say wearing a caftan in the Syrian style, I found him still wandering about in Ionia, not knowing what to do with himself; so I took him in hand and gave him an education. As it seemed to me that he was an apt pupil and paid strict attention to me—for he was subservient to me in those days and paid court to me and admired none but me—I turned my back upon all the others who were suing for my hand, although they were rich and goodlooking and of splendid ancestry, and plighted myself to this ingrate, who was poor and insignificant and young, bringing him a considerable dowry consisting in many marvellous speeches. Then, after we were married, I got him irregularly registered among my own clansmen and made him a citizen, so that those who had failed to secure my hand in marriage choked with envy. When he decided to go travelling in order to show how happily married he was, I did not desert him even then, but trailed up and down after him everywhere and made him famous and renowned by giving him finery and dressing him out. On our travels in Greece and in Ionia I do not lay so much emphasis; but when he took a fancy to go to Italy, I crossed the Adriatic with him, and at length I journeyed with him as far as Gaul, where I made him rich. For a long time he took my advice in everything and lived with me constantly, never spending a single night away from home:

ORATORY

but when he had laid in plenty of the sinews of war and thought that he was well off for reputation, he became supercilious and vain and neglected me, or rather deserted me completely. Having conceived an inordinate affection for that bearded man in the mantle, Dialogue, who is said to be the son of Philosophy and is older than he is, he lives with him. Showing no sense of shame, he has curtailed the freedom and the range of my speeches and has confined himself to brief, disjointed questions: and instead of saying whatever he wishes in a powerful voice, he fits together and spells out short paragraphs, for which he cannot get hearty praise or great applause from his hearers, but only a smile, or a restrained gesture of the hand, an inclination of the head, or a sigh to point his periods. That is the sort of thing this gallant gentleman fell in love with, despising me! They say, too, that he is not at peace with this favourite, either, but insults him in the same way.

ORATORY Is he not, then, ungrateful and subject to punishment under the laws that concern desertion, inasmuch as he so disgracefully abandoned his lawful wife, from whom he received so much and through whom he is famous, and sought a new arrangement, now of all times, when I alone am admired and claimed as patroness by everyone? For my part I hold out against all those who court me, and when they knock at my door and call my name at the top of their lungs, I have no desire either to open or to reply, for I see that they bring with them nothing but their voices. But this man even then does not come back to me: no, he keeps his eyes upon his favourite. Ye gods, what good does he expect to get from him, knowing that he has nothing but his short cloak? I have finished, gentlemen of the jury. But I beg you, if he wishes to make his defence in my style of speaking, do not permit that, for it -would be unkind to turn my own weapon against me; let him defend himself, if he can, in the style of his favourite, Dialogue. HERMES That is unreasonable. It is not possible, Oratory, for him, all by himself, to make his defence after Dialogue’s manner. Let him make a speech as you did.

THE SYRIAN

Gentlemen of the jury, as my opponent was indignant at the thought of my using a long speech when I acquired my power of speaking from her, I shall not say much to you, but shall simply answer the main points of her complaint and then leave it to you to weigh the whole question. In all that she told about me she told the truth. She gave me an education and went abroad with me and had me enfranchized as a Greek, and on this account, at least, I am grateful to her for marrying me. Why I left her and took to my friend here, Dialogue, listen, gentlemen of the jury, and you shall hear; and do not imagine that I am telling any falsehood for the sake of advantage.

HERMES

Seeing that she was no longer modest and did not continue to clothe herself in the respectable way that she did once when Demosthenes took her to wife, but made herself up, arranged her hair like a courtesan, put on rouge, and darkened her eyes underneath, I became suspicious at once and secretly took note where she directed her glances. I pass over everything else, but every night our street was full of maudlin lovers coming to serenade her, knocking at the door, and sometimes even venturing to force an entrance in disorderly fashion. She herself laughed and enjoyed these performances, and generally, when she heard them singing lovesongs in a hoarse voice, she either peeped over the edge of the roof or else even slyly opened the windows, thinking that I would not notice it, and then. wantoned and intrigued with them. I could not stand this, and as I did not think it best to bring an action for divorce against her on the ground of adultery, I went to Dialogue, who lived near by, and requested him to take me in.

HERMES That is the great injustice that I have done Oratory. After all, even if she had not acted as she did, it would have been proper that I, a man already about forty years of age, should take my leave of her stormy scenes and lawsuits, should let the gentlemen of the jury rest in peace, refraining from accusations of tyrants and laudations of princes, and should betake myself to the Academy or the Lyceum to walk about with this excellent person . Dialogue while we converse quietly without feeling any need of praise and applause. Though I have much to say, I will stop now. Cast your vote in accordance with your oath. (The votes are counted.) JUSTICE Who is the winner? HERMES The Syrian, with every vote but one. JUSTICE Very likely it was a public speaker who cast the vote against him.

JUSTICE Let Dialogue plead before the same jury. (To the Jurors) Wait, and you shall get double pay for the two cases. DIALOGUE For my part, gentlemen of the jury, I should prefer not to make you along speech, but to discuss the matter a little at a time, as is my wont. Nevertheless I will make my complaint in the way that is customary in courts of law, although I am completely uninformed and inexperienced in such matters. Please consider this my introduction. The wrongs done me and the insults put upon me by this man are these. I was formerly dignified, and pondered upon the gods and nature and the cycle of the universe, treading the airIn the Clouds of Aristophanes (225) Socrates says: “I tread the air and contemplate the sun.” high up above the clouds where “great Zeus in heaven driving his winged car”Plato, Phuedrus246 ¥. sweeps on; but he dragged me down when I was already soaring above the zenith. and mounting on “heaven’s back,”Plato, Phaedrus 247 B. and broke my wings, putting me on the same level as the common herd. Moreover, he took away from me the respectable tragic mask that I had, and put another upon me that is comic, satyr-like, and almost ridiculous. Then he unceremoniously permed me up with Jest and Satire and Cynicism and Eupolis and Aristophanes, terrible men for mocking all that is holy and scoffing at all that is right. At last he even dug up and thrust in upon me Menippus, a prehistoric dog,Cynic. with a very loud bark, it seems, and sharp fangs, a really dreadful dog who bites unexpectedly because he grins when he bites. Have I not been dreadfully maltreated, when I no longer occupy my proper réle but play the comedian and the buffoon and act out extraordinary plots for him? What is most monstrous of all, I have been turned into a surprising blend, for I am neither afoot nor ahorseback, neither prose nor verse, but seem to my hearers a strange phenomenon made up of. different elements, like a Centaur.This refers to the practice of mingling verse and prose, borrowed by Lucian from Menippus. For good illustrations see the beginning of Zeus Rants and of The Double Indictment.

HERMES What are you going to say to this, Master Syrian? THE SYRIAN Gentlemen of the jury, the suit that I am contesting now before you is unexpected. In fact, I should have looked for anything else in the world sooner than that Dialogue should say such things about. me. When I took him in hand, he was still dour, as most people thought, and had been reduced to a skeleton through continual questions. In that guise he seemed awe-inspiring, to be sure, but not in any way attractive or agreeable to the public. So first of all I got him into the way of walking on the ground like a human being; afterwards by washing off all his accumulated grime and forcing him to smile, I made him more agreeable to those who saw him: and on top of all that, I paired him with Comedy, and in this way too procured him great favour from his hearers, who formerly feared his prickles and avoided taking hold of him as if he were a sea-urchin. I know, however, what hurts him most. It is that I do not sit and quibble with him about those obscure, subtle themes of his, like “whether the soul is immortal,” and “when God made the world, how many pints of pure, changeless substance he poured into the vessel in which he concocted the universe,”Cf. Plato, Timaeus354 and41D. and “whether rhetoric is the false counterpart of a subdivision of political science, the fourth form of parasitic occupation.”Cf. Plato, Gorgias 463 B, D, 465C. Somehow he delights in dissecting such problems, just as people like to scratch where it itches. Reflection is sweet to him, and he sets great store by himself if they say that not everyone can grasp his penetrating speculations about “ideas.” That is what he expects of me, naturally; and he demands those wings of his and gazes on high without seeing what lies at his feet. As far as the rest of it goes, he cannot complain, I am sure, that I have stripped him of that Greek mantle and shifted him into a foreign one, even though I myself am considered foreign. Indeed I should be doing wrong to transgress in that way against him. and to steal away his native costume. I have made the best defence that I can. Please cast the same ballot as before. (The votes are counted.)

HERMES

Well, well! You win by all of ten votes! The same one who voted against you before will not vote as the rest even now. Without doubt it is a habit, and the man always casts the ballot that has a hole in it.

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I hope he will keep onenvying men of standing. Well, go your ways, and good luck to you. To-morrow we shall try the rest of the cases.