De parasito sive artem esse parasiticam
Lucian of Samosata (lucian-of-samosata)Para 17 · perseus-eng2More by Lucian of Samosata (lucian-of-samosata)
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TYCHIADES Why in the world is it, Simon, that while other men, both slave and free, each know some art by which they are of use to themselves and to someone else, you apparently have no work which would enable you to make any profit yourself or give away anything to anybody else? SIMON What do you mean by that question, Tychiades? I do not understand. Try to put it more clearly. TYCHIADES Is there any art that you happen to know? Music, for instance? ° SIMON No, indeed. TYCHIADES Well, medicine? SIMON Not that, either. TYCHIADES Geometry, then? SIMON Not by any means. Well, rhetoric? For as to philosophy, you are as remote from that as vice itself is! SIMON Indeed, even more so, if possible. So don’t suppose you have touched me with that taunt, as if I did not know it. I admit that I am vicious, and worse than you think! TYCHIADES Quite so. Well, it may be that although you have not learned those arts because of their magnitude and difficulty, you have learned one of the vulgar arts like carpentry or shoemaking; you are not so well off in every way as not to need even such an art. SIMON You are right, Tychiades; but I am not acquainted with any of these either. TYCHIADES What other art, then? SIMON What other? A fine one, I think. If you knew about it, I believe you would speak highly of it too. In practice, I claim to be successful at it already, but whether you will find me so in theory also I can't say. TYCHIADES What is it? SIMON I do not feel that I have yet thoroughly mastered the literature on that subject. So for the present you may know that I possess an art and need not be dissatisfied with me on that score; some other day you shall hear what art it is. TYCHIADES But I can’t wait. SIMON The nature of the art will perhaps seem extraordinary when you hear it. TYCHIADES Tr aly, that is just why I am keen to know about it. SIMON ‘Some other day, Tychiades. TYCHIADES Oh, no! Tell me now—unless you are ashamed! SIMON Parasitic.
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TYCHIADES Really, would anyone who was not insane call that an art, Simon? SIMON I do; and if you think I am insane, think also that my insanity is the reason for my not knowing any other art and acquit me of your charges at once. They say, you know, that this malign spirit, cruel in all else to those whom she inhabits, at least secures them remission of their sins, like a schoolmaster or a tutor, by taking the blame for them upon herself. ~ TYCHIADES Well then, Simon, Parasitic is an art? SIMON Indeed it is, and I am a craftsman in it.In the word δημιουργός there is an allusion to the definition of Rhetoric as Πειθοῦς δημιουργός. TYCHIADES Then you are a parasite? SIMON That was a cruel thrust, Tychiades! TYCHIADES But do not you blush to call yourself a parasite? SIMON Not at all; I should be ashamed not to speak it out. TYCHIADES Then, by Zeus, when we wish to tell about you to someone who does not know you, when he wants to find out about you, of course we shall be correct in referring to you as “the parasite”? SIMON Far more correct in referring to me so than in referring to Phidias as a sculptor, for I take quite as much joy in my art as Phidias did in his Zeus. TYCHIADES I say, here is a point; as I think of it, a gale of laughter has come over me! SIMON What is it? TYCHIADES What if we should address you in due form at the top of our letters as “Simon the Parasite”! SIMON Why, you would do me greater pleasure than you would Dion by addressing him as “the Philosopher.”Dion of Syracuse, the friend of Plato.
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TYCHIADES Well, how it pleases you to be styled matters little or nothing to me; but you must consider the general absurdity of it. SIMON What absurdity, I should like to know? TYCHIADES If we are to list this among the other arts, so that when anybody enquires what art it is, we shall say “Parasitic,” to correspond with Music and Rhetoric.The examples in the Greek are “Grammar and Medicine,” but it was necessary to choose English examples which retained the Greek ending. SIMON For my part, Tychiades, I should call this an art far more than any other. If you care to listen, I think I can tell you why, although, as I just said, I am not entirely prepared for it. TYCHIADES It will make no difference at all if you say little, as long as that little is true. SIMON Come now, first of all, if it please you, let us consider what an art is in general; for in that way we can go on to the individual] arts and see if they truly come under that head. TYCHIADES What on earth is an art, then? Surely you know. SIMON To be sure. TYCHIADES Then do not hesitate to tell, if you do know.
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SIMON An art, I remember to have heard a learned man say,The particular learned man who said it first is not known to us. It is the orthodox Stoic definition, quoted repeatedly by Sextus Empiricus. Cf. Quint. 2,17, 41: ille ab omnibus fere probatus finis ... artem constare ex perceptionibus consentientibus et coexercitatis ad finem utilem vitae. is a complex of knowledges exercised in combination to some end useful to the world. TYCHIADES He was quite right in what he said, and you in your recollection of it. SIMON If Parasitic satisfies this definition completely, what other conclusion could there be than that it is an art? TYCHIADES It would be an art, of course, if it should really be like that. SIMON Now then, let us apply to Parasitic the individual characteristics of an art and see whether it is in harmony with them or whether its theory, like a good-for-nothing pot when you try its ring, sounds cracked.Just so Critolaus had tested rhetoric and found it wanting: see Philodemus, Rhetoric 2; Sextus, Agatnet the Rhetortcrans; and Quintilian 2, 17. Every art, then, must be a complex of knowledges; and of these, in the case of the para site, first of all there is testing and deciding who would be suitable to support him, and whom he could begin to cultivate without being sorry for it later. Or do we care to maintain that assayers possess an art because they know how to distinguish between coins that are counterfeit and those that are not, but parasites discriminate without art between men that are counterfeit and those that are good, even though men are not distinguishable at once, like coins? Wise Euripides criticizes this very point when he Says: In men, no mark whereby to tell the knave Did ever yet upon his body grow. Euripides, Medea518. This makes the parasite’s art even greater, since it is better than divination at distinguishing and recognising things so obscure and hidden.
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As for knowing how to talk appropriately and to act in such a way as to become intimate and show himself extremely devoted to his patron, do not you think that this shows intelligence and highlydeveloped knowledge? TYCHIADES Yes, indeed. SIMON And at banquets, to go away with more than anybody else, enjoying greater favour than those who do not possess the same art—-do you think that can be managed without some degree of theory and wisdom? TYCHIADES Not by any means. SIMON What about knowing the merits and defects of bake-stuffs and made dishes? Does that seem to you matter for an untrained man’s bumptious inquisitiveness? Yet excellent Plato says: When a man is about to partake of a banquet, if he be not versed in the art of cookery, his opinion of the feast in preparation is something deficient in weight. Plato, Theaetetus178D.
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That Parasitic is based not only on knowledge, but on exercised knowledge, you may readily assure yourself from this fact: the knowledges that belong to the other arts often remain unexercised for days and nights and months and years, and yet the arts are not lost to those who possess them; but if the . parasite’s knowledge is not in exercise daily, not only the art, I take it, but the artist himself, is lost thereby!
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And as to its being “directed to some end. useful to the world,” it would be crazy, don’t you think, to investigate that point. I, for my part, cannot discover that anything in the world is more useful than eating and drinking, and in fact without them it is impossible to live at all! TYCHIADES Quite so.
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SIMON Again, Parasitic is not the same sort of thing as beauty and strength, so as to be considered a gift,. like them, rather than an art.Again a thrust at Rhetoric, which some considered “vis tantum”; cf. Quintilian 2, 15, 2. TYCHIADES You are right. SIMON But on the other hand, it is not want of art; for want of art never achieves anything for its possessor.Rhetoric is a want of art: cf. § 27, and Quint. 2, 15, 2. For example, if you should put yourself in command of a ship at sea in a storm without knowing how to steer, should you come safely through? TYCHIADES Not by any means. SIMON How about a man who should take horses in hand without knowing how to drive? TYCHIADES He would not come through, either. SIMON Why, pray, except because he does not possess the art by which he would be able to save himself? TYCHIADES To be sure. SIMON Then the parasite would not be saved by Parasitic if it were want of art? TY CHIADES True. SIMON Then it is art that saves him, and not want of art? TYCHIADES Quite so. SIMON Then Parasitic is an art? TYCHIADES It is, apparently. SIMON I assure you I know of many instances when good helmsmen have been wrecked and expert drivers thrown from their seats, and some had _ broken bones, while others were completely done for; but nobody can cite any such mishap in the case of a parasite. Then if Parasitic is not want of art and not a gift, but a complex of knowledges exercised in combination, evidently we have reached an agreement to-day that it is an art.
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TYCHIADES As far as I can judge from what has been said. But wait a bit: give us a first-class definition of Parasitic. SIMON Right. It seems to me that the definition might best be expressed’ thus: Parasitic is that art which is concerned with food and drink and what must be said and done to obtain them, and its end is pleasure. TYCHIADES That, to my mind, is a tip-top definition of your art; but look out that you do not get into conflict with some of the philosophers over the end.With the Epicureans, who claimed the same summum bonum, and the Stoics, who rejected it. The Stoics are met tirst, with the argument that not virtue but Parasitic is the consummation of happiness. The sense of τέλος shifts slightly, to prepare for its use in the citation from Homer. SIMON It will be quite sufficient if I can show that happiness and Parasitic have the same end, and that will be plain from this:
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wise Homer, admiring the life of a parasite on the ground that it alone is blessed and enviable, says:
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I for my own part hold that there is no end more delightful
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Than when cheerfulness reigneth supreme over all of the people;
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Banqueters down the long halls give ear to the bard as he singeth,
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Sitting in regular order, and by each man is a table
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Laden with bread and with meat; while the server from out of the great bowl
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Dippeth the mead, and beareth and poureth it into the beakers.
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Odyssey9, 5 ff.
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And as if this were not enough to express his admiration, he makes his own opinion more evident, rightly saying:—
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This is a thing that to me in my heart doth seem very goodly.
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Odyssey9, 11.
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From what he says, he counts nothing else happy but to be a parasite. And it was no ordinary man to whom he ascribed these words, but the wisest of them all. After all, if Odysseus had wished to commend the Stoic end, he could have said so when he brought Philoctetes back from Lemnos, when he sacked Troy, when he checked the Greeks in their flight, when he entered Troy after flogging himself and putting on wretched Stoic rags; but on those
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occasions he did not call that a more delightful end! Moreover, after he had entered into the Epicurean life once more in Calypso’s isle, when he had it in his power to live in idleness and luxury, to dally with the daughter of Atlas, and to enjoy every pleasurable emotion, even then he did not call that end more delightful, but the life of a parasite, who at that time was called a banqueter. What does he say, then? It is worth while to cite his verses once more, for there is nothing like hearing them said over and over: “banqueters sitting in regular order,” and:
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by each man is a table
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Laden with bread and with meat.
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As to Epicurus, quite shamelessly filching the end of Parasitic, he makes it the end of his conception of happiness. That the thing is plagiarism, and that pleasure does not concern Epicurus at all, but does concern the parasite, you can assure yourself from this line of reasoning. I for'my part consider that pleasure is first of all the freedom of the flesh from discomfort, and secondly, not having the spirit full of turbulence and commotion. Now then, each of these things is attained by the parasite, but neither by Epicurus. For with his inquiries about the shape of the earth, the infinitude of the universe, the magnitude of the sun, distances in space, primal elements, and whether the gods exist or not, and with his continual strife and bickering with certain persons about the end itself, he is involved not only in the troubles
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of man but in those of the universe. The parasite, however, thinking that everything is all right and thoroughly convinced it would not be any better if it were other than as it is, eats and sleeps in great peace and comfort, with nothing of that sort annoying him, flat on his back, with his arms and legs flung out, like Odysseus sailing home from Scheria.
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Again, it is not only in this way that pleasure is foreign to Kpicurus, but in another way. This Epicurus, whoever the learned gentleman is, either has or has not his daily bread. Now if he has not, it is not a question of living a life of pleasure; he will not even live! But if he has, he gets it either from his own larder or that of someone else. Now if he gets his daily bread from someone else, he is a parasite and not what he calls himself; but if he gets it from his own larder, he will not lead a life of pleasure. TYCHIADES Why not? SIMON If he gets his daily bread from his own larder, many are the unpleasantnesses which must needs attend such a life, Tychiades! Just see how many! A man who intends to shape his life by pleasure should satisfy all the desires that arise in him. What do you say to that? TYCHIADES I agree with you. SIMON Therefore the man of vast means no doubt has the opportunity of doing so, while the man of little or no means has not; consequently a poor man cannot become an adept or attain the end, that is to say, pleasure. Even the rich man, however, . who through his wealth ministers lavishly to his © desires, cannot attain that. Why? Because quite inevitably, when a man spends his money, he becomes involved in many an unpleasantness, at one moment quarrelling with his cook for preparing the meat badly—or else if he does not quarrel, eating poor food on that account and coming short of his pleasure—and the next moment quarrelling with the man who manages his household affairs, if he does not manage them well. Is not that so? TYCHIADES Yes, by Zeus, I agree with you. SIMON Now Epicurus is likely to have all this happen to him, so that he will never reach the end. But the parasite has no cook with whom to lose his temper, nor lands nor house nor money over the loss of which to be vexed, so that he alone can eat and drink without being annoyed by any of the matters which inevitably annoy the rich.
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That Parasitic is an art has been well enough demonstrated by means of this argument and the others. It remains to show that it is the best art, and not simply this, but first that it excels all the other arts put together, and then that it excels each of them individually. It excels all put together for this reason. Every art has to be prefaced by study, hardships, fear and floggings, from which everyone would pray to be delivered. But this art alone, it seems, can be learned without hardships. Who ever went home from a dinner in tears, as we see.some going home from their schools? Who ever set out for a dinner looking gloomy, like those who go to school? I promise you, the parasite goes to dinner of his own accord, with a right good will to exercise his art, while those who are learning the other arts hate them so much that some run away from home on account of them! Again, should you not note that when pupils make progress in those arts, their fathers and mothers give them as special rewards what they give the parasite every day? ‘“By Zeus, the boy has written nicely,” they say; “give him something to eat!”’ “He has not written correctly; don’t give him anything!” So highly is the thing esteemed, both as a reward and by way of punishment.
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Again, the other arts attain to this end late, reaping their harvest of pleasure only after their apprenticeship; for “the road to them leadeth uphill’ and is long.The quotation is from Hesiod, Works and Days290, and refers to the road that leads to virtue. The scholasticus, the grey-headed student, was a familiar figure; see Lucian’s Hermotimus. Parasitic alone of them all derives profit from the art immediately, in the apprenticeship itself, and no sooner does it begin than it is at its end. Moreover, the other arts, not merely in certain cases but in every case, have come into existence to provide support and nothing else, while the parasite has his support immediately, as soon as he enters upon his art. Do not you see that while the farmer does not farm for the sake of farming, nor the builder build for the sake of building, the parasite does not aim at something different; his work and its object are one and the same thing.
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Everybody knows, too, that those who ply the rest of the arts drudge all the time except one or two days a month which they celebrate as holidays,
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and are said to have their good time then. But the parasite celebrates thirty holidays a month, for he thinks that every day belongs to the gods.
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Furthermore, those who wish to be successful in the other arts eat little and drink little, like invalids, and it is impossible to learn them while one is rejoicing the inner man with plenty of food and plenty of wine.
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The other arts, moreover, cannot be of use to their possessor without tools, for it is impossible to pipe without a pipe or to strum without a lyre or to ride without a horse; but this one is so genial and presents so little difficulty to the artisan that even one who has no tools can follow it.
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And we pay, it is likely, for our lessons in the other arts, but get paid in this one.
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Besides, the other arts have teachers, but Parasitic has none; like the Art of Poetry according to the definition of Socrates, it comes by some divine dispensation.
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Reflect, too, that we cannot exercise the other arts while on a journey or a voyage, but this one can be plied both on the road and at sea.
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TYCHIADES Quite true. SIMON Moreover, Tychiades, it seems to me that the other arts stand in need of this one, but this one does not stand in need of any other.This point is not dwelt upon here because the author proposes to use it with great effect later at the expense of philosophy (§$ 31 ff.). TYCHIADES But, I say, don’t you think that people who take what belongs to someone else do wrong? SIMON Certainly. TYCHIADES How is it, then, that the parasite is the only one that does not do wrong in taking what belongs to someone else?
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SIMON I can’t say!Fritzsche gives the two questions to Simon and the answers to Tychiades, at the expense of a little rewriting. Perhaps he is right, but it is rather too bad to lose the humorous effect of the “I can’t say” in the mouth of Simon, followed by the change of subject. — Again, in the other arts the first steps are shabby and insignificant, but in Parasitic the first step is a very fine one, for friendship, that oft-lauded word, is nothing else, you will find, than the first step in Parasitic. TYCHIADES What do you mean? SIMON That nobody invites an enemy or an unknown person to dinner; not even a slight acquaintance. A man must first, I take it, become a friend in order to share another's bow] and board, and the mystic rites of this art. Anyhow, I have often heard people say: “How much of a friend is he, when he has neither eaten nor drunk with us?”’ That is of course because they think that only one who has shared their meat and drink is a trusty friend.
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That in truth it is the most royal of the arts, you can infer from this fact above all: men work at the rest of them not only with discomfort and sweat but actually sitting or standing, just as if they were slaves to the arts, while the parasite plies his art lying down, like a king!
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What need is there, in speaking of his felicity, to mention that he alone, according to wise Homer, “neither planteth a plant with his hands nor plougheth, but all, without sowing or ploughing,”
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supply him with pasture?
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Again, there is nothing to hinder a rhetorician or a geometer or a blacksmith from working at his trade whether he is a knave or a fool, but nobody can be a parasite who is either a knave or a fool. TYCHIADES Goodness! What a fine thing you make out Parasitic to be! I myself already want to be a parasite, I think, rather than what I am.
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SIMON
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Well, that it excels all put together, I think I
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have demonstrated. Come now, let us see how it excels each individually. To compare it with the vulgar arts is silly, and, in a way, more appropriate to someone who is trying to belittle its dignity. We must prove that it excels the finest and greatest of them. It is universally admitted that rhetoric and philosophy, which some people even make out to be sciences because of their nobility, are the greatest. Therefore, if I should prove that Parasitic is far superior to these, obviously it will appear preeminent among the other arts, like Nausicaa among her handmaidens.
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It excels both rhetoric and philosophy, in the first place in its objective reality; for it has this, and they have not. We do not hold one and the same view about rhetoric; some of us call it an art, some a want of art, others a depraved art, and others something else. So too with philosophy, which is not uniform and consistent; for Epicurus has on opinion about things, the Stoics another, the Academics another, the Peripatetics another; in brief, everybody claims that philosophy is something different, and up to now, at all events, it cannot be said either that the same men control opinion or that their art is one. By this it is clear what conclusion remains to be drawn. I maintain that there can be no art at all which has not objective reality. For how else can you explain it that arithmetic is one and the same, and twice two is four not only here but in Persia, and all its doctrines are in tune not only in Greece but in strange lands, yet we see many different philosophies, all of them out of tune both in their beginnings and in their ends? TYCHIADES You are right: they say philosophy is one, but they themselves make it many.
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SIMON As far as the other arts are concerned, if there should be some discord in them, one might pass it over, thinking it excusable, since they are subordinate and their knowledges are not exempt from change. But who could endure that philosophy should not be one, and in better tune with itself than a musical instrument? Well now, philosophy is not one, for I see that it is infinitely many; yet it cannot be many, for wisdom is one.
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The same can be said, too, of the objective reality of rhetoric. When all do not express the same views about one subject, but there is a battle royal of contradictory declarations, that is the greatest proot that the subject of which there is not a single definite conception does not exist at all; for to enquire whether it is this rather than that, and never to agree that it is one, does away with the very existence of the subject that is questioned.
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This is not the case, however, with Parasitic. Both among Greeks and among foreigners it is one and uniform and consistent, and nobody can say that it is practised in one way by this set of men and in another by that set. Nor are there, it seems, among parasites any sects like the Stoics or the Epicureans, holding different doctrines; no, there is concord among them all, and agreement in their works and in their end. So to my thinking Parasitic may well be, in this respect at least, actually wisdom.
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TYCHIADES It seems to me that you have put al] this very well. But how do you prove that philosophy is inferior to your art in other ways? SIMON Well, it must first be mentioned that no parasite ever fell in love with philosophy; but it is on record that philosophersin great number have been fond of Parasitic, and even to-day they love it! TYCHIADES Why, what philosophers can you mention that have been eager to play parasite? SIMON What philosophers, Tychiades? Though you know them yourself, you pretend not to, and try to pull the wool over my eyes, as if it brought them disgrace instead of honour! TYCHIADES No, by Zeus, Simon; I am very much at a loss as to whom you can find to mention. SIMON My dear fellow, you seem to be unfamiliar with their biographers, as otherwise you would certainly be able to recognize whom I mean. TYCHIADES Well, anyhow, by Heracles, I long to find out now who they are. SIMON I shall give you a list of them, and they are not the riff-raff, but in my opinion the best, and those whom you would least expect.
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Aeschines the Socratic, the man who wrote the long and witty dialogues, once went to Sicily, taking them with him, in the hope that through them he might be able to get acquainted with Dionysius the tyrant; and after he had read his “Miltiades”’ and was considered to have made a hit, he made himself at home in Sicily from then on, playing parasite to the tyrant and bidding adieu to the haunts of Socrates.
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And what about Aristippus of Cyrene? Is he not in your opinion one of the philosophers of distinction? TYCHIADES Very much so. SIMON But he too lived in Syracuse at about the same time, playing parasite to Dionysius. In fact, of all the parasites he was in highest favour with him, — being, to be sure, somewhat more gifted for the art than the rest of them, so that Dionysius sent his cooks to him every day, to learn something from him. Aristippus, indeed, appears to have been a worthy ornament to the art;
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but your most noble Plato also came to Sicily for this purpose, and after being parasite to the tyrant only a few days, was turned out of his place as parasite on account of ineptitude. Then, after going back to Athens and working hard and preparing himself, he cruised once more to Sicily on a second venture, and again, after only a — few days of dining, was turned out on account of stupidity; and this “Sicilian disaster” of Plato’s is considered equal to that of Nicias. TYCHIADES Why, who tells about this, Simon?
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SIMON
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A great many; among them, Aristoxenus the musician, who deserves great consideration.
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That Euripides was parasite to Archelaus until he died, and Anaxarchus to Alexander, you surely know.
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As to Aristotle, he only made a beginning in Parasitic, as in every other art.
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I have shown that, as I said, philosophers have been eager to play parasite; but nobody can instance a parasite who has cared to practise philosophy.
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Furthermore, if happiness lies in not hungering or thirsting or shivering, nobody has this in his power except the parasite. Consequently you can find many cold and hungry philosophers, but never a parasite; otherwise he would not be a parasite, but an unfortunate beggar fellow, resembling a philosopher.
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TYCHIADES You have been sufficiently explicit on that score. But how do you prove that Parasitic excels philosophy and rhetoric in other respects? SIMON There are seasons, my dear fellow, in the life of man, seasons of peace, I take it, and again seasons of war. Well, in those seasons it is absolutely inevitable that the arts and those who possess them should show what they are. First, if you please, let us consider the season of war, and what class of men would be above all most useful to themselves individually and to the state in general. TYCHIADES What a searching test of manhood you are announcing! I have long been laughing inwardly to think how a philosopher would look in comparison with a parasite.
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SIMON Then in order to prevent you from wondering too much and also from thinking it a laughing matter, let us imagine that right here in our city proclamation has been made that the enemy has unexpectedly invaded the country; that it is necessary to take the field against them and not allow the farm-lands outside the walls to be laid waste, that the commander has called to the colours all those of military age, and that of course everybody is going, including certain philosophers and rhetoricians and parasites. First, then, let us strip them to the skin; for those who are going to put on armour must first take off their clothes. Now inspect your men, sir, one by one, and give them a physical examination. Some of them you can see to be thin and pale through privation, shuddering, and as limp as if they had already been wounded. Surely it would be ridiculous to say that fighting, hand-to-hand combat, pushing, dust, and. wounds can be borne by men like these, who need something to brace them up!
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Pass on, and now see how the parasite looks! In the first place, is he not generous in his proportions and pleasing in his complexion, neither dark nor fair of skin; for the one befits a woman, and the other a slave; and besides, has he not a spirited look, with a fiery glance like mine, high and bloodshot? It is not becoming, you know, to go into battle with a timorous and womanish eye. Would not such a man make a fine soldier in life and a fine corpse if he should die?
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But what is the good of guessing about all this, when we have historical examples? To put it briefly, in war, of all the rhetoricians and_philosophers that ever were, some have not dared to go outside the walls at all, and if any one of them ever took the field under compulsion, he deserted his post, I maintain, and beat a retreat. TYCHIADES What assertions, all surprising and none moderate! But say your say, nevertheless. SIMON Among the followers of rhetoric, Isocrates not only never went to war but never even went to court, through cowardice, I assume, as that is why he could not even keep his voice.Every schoolboy knew—such was the interest in rhetoric— that Isocrates did not practise in the courts because his voice was too weak. The author pretends to think that its weakness must have been due to fright, and that therefore he was a terrible coward. And did not Demades and Aeschines and Philocrates, through fright, directly upon the declaration of war against Philip, betray their city and themselves to Philip and continually direct public affairs at Athens in the interest of that man, who was waging war upon the Athenians at that time, if ever a man was; and he was their friend. Moreover, Hyperides and Demosthenes and Lycurgus, who put up a more courageous front and were always making an uproar and abusing Philip in the assemblies—what on earth did they do that was valiant in the war with him? Hyperides and Lycurgus did not even take the field—why, they did not even dare to show their heads just outside the gates, but safe within the walls, they sat at home as if the city were already besieged, framing trivial motions and petty resolutions! And as for the topmost of them, the man who was continually talking in the assembly about “Philip, the scoundrel from Macedon, where one could never even buy a decent slave!”Demosthenes, Third Philippic 31. he did venture to join the advance into Boeotia, but before the armies joined battle and began to fight at close quarters he threw away his shield and fled!The story that Demosthenes played the coward at Chaeronea was spread by his political enemies Aeschines (3, 244; 253) and Pytheas (Plut. Demosth. 20); see also Gellius 17, 21. Has nobody ever told you that before? It is very well known, not only to the Athenians, but to the people of Thrace and Scythia, where that vagabond came from.Cleobule, the mother of Demosthenes, was said to be Scythian on her mother’s side (Aesch. 3, 171).
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TYCHIADES I know all that. They were orators, however, who cultivated speech-making, not virtue. What have you to say about the philosophers? Surely you are not able to censure them as you did the others. SIMON They in turn, Tychiades, though they talk every day about courage and wear the word virtue smooth, will be found far more cowardly and effeminate than the orators. Look at it from this standpoint. Inthe first place, there is nobody that can mention a philosopher who died in battle; either they did not enter the service at all, or if they did, every one of them ran away. Antisthenes, Diogenes, Crates, Zeno, Plato, Aeschines, Aristotle, and all that motley array never even saw a line of battle. The only one who had the courage to go out for the battle at Delium, their wise Socrates, fled the field, fleeing for cover all the way from Parnes to the gymnasium of Taureas.As a matter of fact Socrates displayed conspicuous valour in the retreat from Delium. (Plato, Laches 181 B). The allusion to the gymnasium of Taureas rests upon a hazy recollection of the opening of the Charmides, where Socrates says that he visited it on the morning after his return from Pole Furthermore, there were no Spartan troops at Delium. He thought it far nicer to sit and philander with boys and propound petty sophistries to anyone who should come along than to fight with a Spartan soldier. TYCHIADES My excellent friend, I have already heard this from others, who certainly did not wish to ridicule or libel them; so I do not in the least think that you are belying them out of partiality to your own art.
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But if you are now willing, tell what the parasite is like in war, and whether anybody at all among the ancient heroes is said to have been a parasite.
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SIMON
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Why, my dear friend, no one is so unfamiliar with Homer, even if he is completely unlettered, as not to know that in him the noblest of the heroes are parasites! The famous Nestor, from whose tongue speech flowed like honey, was parasite to the king’ himself; and neither Achilles, who seemed and was the finest in physique, nor Diomed nor Ajax was so lauded and admired by Agamemnon as Nestor. He does not pray to have ten of Ajax or ten of Achilles, but says that he would long ago have taken Troy if he had had ten soldiers like that parasite, old as he was.
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Idomeneus, too, the son of Zeus, is similarly spoken of as parasite to Agamemnon.
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TYCHIADES Of course I myself know all this, but I do not think that I yet see how the two men were parasites to Agamemnon. SIMON Remember, my friend, those lines that Agamemnon himself addresses to Idomeneus. TYCHIADES What lines? SIMON Your beaker has always Stood full, even as mine, to be drunk when the spirit should move you. Iliad4, 262-263. For in saying there that the beaker “always stood full,’ he did not mean that Idomeneus’ cup stood full under all circumstances, even when he fought or when he slept, but that he alone was privileged to eat with the king all the days of his life, unlike the rest of the soldiers, who were invited only on certain days. As for Ajax, when he had fought gloriously in single combat with Hector, they brought him to great Agamemnon, Iliad7, 312. Homer says, and by way of special honour, he was at last counted worthy of sharing the king’s table. But Idomeneus and Nestor dined with the king daily, as he himself says. Nestor, indeed, in my opinion was the most workmanlike and efficient parasite among the kings; he began the art, not in the time of Agamemnon, but away back in the time of Caeneus and Exadius,Two generations earlier; Iliad1, 250, 264. and by all appearances would never have stopped practising it if Agamemnon had not been killed. TYCHIADES He was a doughty parasite, I grant you. Try to name some more, if you know of any.
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SIMON
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What, Tychiades, was not Patroclus parasite to Achilles, and that too although he was quite as fine a young man, both in spirit and in physique, as any of the other Greeks? For my part I think I am right in concluding from his deeds that he was not even inferior to Achilles himself. When Hector broached the gates and was fighting within them beside the ships, it was he that thrust him out and extinguished the ship of Protesilaus, which was already in flames. Yet the fighters who manned that ship were not the most cowardly of all: they were the sons of Telamon, Ajax and Teucer, one of whom was a good spearman, the other a good archer. And he slew many of the barbarians, among them Sarpedon, the son of Zeus, this parasite of Achilles! In his death too, he was not to be compared with the others. Achilles slew Hector, man to man, and Paris © slew Achilles himself, but it needed a god and two men to slay the parasite.
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And in dying, the words that he uttered were not like those of noble Hector, who humbled himself before Achilles and besought that his body be given back to his family; no, they
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were the sort of words that a parasite would naturally utter. What were they, do you ask?
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Even if twenty such men had come in my way in the battle,
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All would have met their death, laid low by my spear on the instant.
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Iliad16, 8
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TYCHIADES Enough said as to that; but try to show that Patroclus was not the friend but ‘the parasite of Achilles. SIMON I shall cite you Patroclus himself, Tychiades, saying that he was a parasite. TYCHIADES That is a surprising statement. SIMON Listen then to the lines themselves: Let my bones not lie at a distance from thine, O Achilles: Let them be close to your side, as I lived in the house of our kindred. Iliad23, 83. And again, farther on, he says: “And now Peleus took me in and Kept me with kindliest care, and gave me the name of thy servant. Iliad23, 89. That is, he maintained him as a parasite. If he had wanted to call Patroclus a friend, he would not have given him the name of servant, for Patroclus was a freeman. Whom, then, does he mean by servants, if not either friends or slaves? Parasites, evidently. In the same way he calls Meriones too a servant of Idomeneus,Iliad13, 246. Observe also tliat in the same passage it is not Idomeneus, the son of Zeus, whom he thinks fit to call “unyielding in battle,” but Meriones, his parasite.Iliad 13, 295.
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Again, was not Aristogeiton, who was a man of the people and a pauper, as Thucydides says, parasite to Harmodius?Thucydides 6, 54,2. Was he not his lover also? Naturally parasites are lovers of those who support them. Well, this parasite restored the city of Athens to freedom when she was in bondage to a tyrant, and now his statue stands in bronze in the public square along with that of his favourite. Certainly these men, who were of such distinction, were very doughty parasites.
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What is your own inference as to the character of the parasite in war? In the first place, does he not get his breakfast before he leaves his quarters to fall in, just as Odysseus thinks it right to do? Under no other circumstances, he says, is it possible to continue fighting in battle even if one should be obliged to begin fighting at the very break of day.
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While the other soldiers in affright are adjusting their helmets with great pains, or putting on their breastplates, or quaking in sheer anticipation of the horrors of war, the parasite eats with a very cheerful visage; and directly after marching out he begins to fight in the first line. The man who supports him is posted in the second line, behind the parasite, who covers
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him with his shield as Ajax covered Teucer, and when missiles are flying exposes himself to protect his patron; for he prefers to save his patron rather than himself.
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If a parasite should actually fall in battle, certainly neither captain nor private soldier would be ashamed of his huge body, elegantly reclining as at an elegant banquet. Indeed it would be worth one’s while to look at a philosopher’s body lying beside it, lean, squalid, with a long beard, a sickly creature dead before the battle! Who would not despise this city if he saw that her targeteers were such wretches? Who, when he saw pale, long-haired varlets lying on the field, would not suppose that the city for lack of reserves had freed for service the malefactors in her prison? That is how parasites compare with rhetoricians and philosophers in war.
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In peace, it seems to me, Parasitic excels philosophy as greatly as peace itself excels war. First, if you please, let us consider the strongholds of peace. TYCHIADES I do not understand what that means, but let us consider it all the same. SIMON Well, I should say that market-places, law-courts, athletic fields, gymnasia, hunting-parties and dinners were a city’s strongholds. TYCHIADES To be sure. SIMON The parasite does not appear in the market-place or the courts because, I take it, all these points are more appropriate to swindlers, ‘and because nothing that is done in them is good form; but he frequents the athletic fields, the gymnasia, and the dinners, and ornaments them beyond all others. On the athletic field what philosopher or rhetorician, once he has taken his clothes off, is fit to be compared with a parasite’s physique? What one of them when seen in the gymnasium is not actually a disgrace to the place? In the wilds, too, none of them could withstand the charge of a beast; the parasite, however, awaits their attack and receives it easily, having learned to despise them at dinners; and neither stag nor bristling boar affrights him, but if the boar whets his tusks for him, the parasite whets his own for the boar! After a hare he is as keen as a hound. And at a dinner, who could compete with a parasite either in making sport or in eating? Who would make the guests merrier? He with his songs and jokes, or a fellow who lies there without a smile, in a short cloak, with his eyes upon the ground, as if he had come to a funeral and not to a banquet? In my opinion, a philosopher at a banquet is much the same thing as a dog in a bathhouse!
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Come now, let us dismiss these topics and forthwith turn to the parasite’s way of living, considering at the same time and comparing with it that of the others. In the first place, you can see that the parasite always despises reputation and does not care at all what people think about him, but you will find that rhetoricians and philosophers, not merely here and there but everywhere, are harassed by selfesteem and reputation—yes, not only by reputation, but what is worse than that, by money! The parasite feels greater contempt for silver than one would feel even for the pebbles on the beach, and does not think gold one whit better than fire. The rhetoricians, however, and what is more shocking, those who claim to be philosophers, are so wretchedly affected by it that among the philosophers who are . most famous at present—for why should we speak of the rhetoricians?—one was convicted of taking a bribe when he served on a jury, and another demands pay from the emperor as a private tutor; he is not ashamed that in his old age he resides in a foreign land on this account and works for wages like an Indian or Scythian prisoner of war —not even ashamed of the name that he gets by it.The allusion is uncertain. The emperor is probably Marcus Aurelius; if so, the philosopher may be Sextus of Chaeronea, or the Apollonius whom Lucian mentions in Demonax 31.
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You will find too that they are subject to other passions as well as these, such as distress, anger, jealousy, and all manner of desires. The parasite is far from all this; he does not become angry because he is long-suffering, and also because he has nothing to get angry at; and if he should become indignant at any time, his temper does not give rise to any unpleasantness or gloom, but rather to laughter, and makes the company merry. He is least of all subject to distress, as his art supplies him gratuitously with the advantage of having nothing to be distressed about. For he has neither money nor house nor servant nor wife nor children, over which, if they go to ruin, it is inevitable that their possessor should — be distressed. And he has no desires, either for reputation or money, or even for a_ beautiful favourite.
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TYCHIADES But, Simon, at least he is likely to be distressed by lack of food. SIMON You fail to understand, Tychiades, that a priori: one who lacks food is not a parasite. A brave man is not brave if he lacks bravery, nor is a sensible man sensible if he lacks sense. On any other supposition . the parasite would not exist; and the subject of our investigation is an existent, not a non-existent parasite. If the brave man is brave for no other reason than because he has bravery at his command, and the sensible man because he has sense at his command, so, too, the parasite is a parasite because he has food at his command; consequently, if this be denied him, we shall be studying some other sort of man instead of a parasite. TYCHIADES Then a parasite will never lack food? SIMON So it appears; therefore he cannot be distressed, either by that or by anything else whatsoever.
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Moreover, all the philosophers and rhetoricians, to a man, are particularly timid. At all events you will find that most of them appear in public with a staff —of course they would not have armed themselves if they were not afraid—-and that they lock their doors very securely for fear that someone might plot against them at night. The parasite, however, casually closes the door of his lodgings, just to prevent it from being opened by the wind, and when a sound comes at night, he is no more disturbed than as if it had not come, and when he goes through unfrequented country he travels without a sword; for . he does not fear anything anywhere. But I have often seen philosophers armed with bows and arrows when there was nothing to fear; and as for staves, they carry them even when they go to the bath and to luncheon.
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Again, nobody could accuse a parasite of adultery or assault or larceny or any other offence at all, since a man of that character would be no parasite; he wrongs himself. Therefore if he should commit adultery, for instance, along with the offence he acquires the name that goes withit. Just as a good man who behaves badly thereby acquires the name of bad instead of good, so, I take it, if the parasite commits any offence, he loses his identity and becomes identified with his offence. But not only are we ourselves aware of such offences on the part of rhetoricians and philosophers committed without number in our times, but we also possess records of their misdeeds left behind in books. And there are speeches in defence of Socrates, Aeschines, Hyperides, Demosthenes, and very nearly the majority of orators and sages, whereas there is no speech in defence of a parasite, and nobody can cite a suit that has been brought against a parasite.
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Granted that the life of a parasite is better than that of a rhetorician or a philosopher, is his death worse? Quite to the contrary, it is happier by far. We know that most, if not all, of the philosophers died as wretchedly as they had lived; some died by poison, as a result of judicial sentence, after they had been convicted of the greatest crimes; some had their bodies completely consumed by fire; some wasted away through retention of urine; some died in exile.
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But in the case of a parasite no one can cite any such death—nothing but the happy, happy death of a man who has eaten and drunk; and any one of them who is thought to have died by violence: died of indigestion.
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TYCHIADES You have satisfactorily championed the cause of the parasite against the philosophers. Next try to explain whether he is a good and useful acquisition to his supporter; for to me it seems that the rich play the part of benefactors and philanthropists in supporting them, and that this is dishonourable to the man who receives support. SIMON How silly df you, Tychiades, not to be able to realise that a rich man, even if he has the wealth of Gyges, is poor if he eats alone; that if he takes the gir without a parasite in his company he is considered a pauper, and that just as a soldier without-arms, or a mantle without a purple border, or a horse without trappings is held in less esteem, so a rich man without a parasite appears low and cheap. Truly, he is an ornament to the rich man, but the rich man is never an ornament to the parasite.
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Furthermore, it is no disgrace to him to be the rich man’s parasite, as you imply, evidently assuming that he is the inferior and the other a superior; since surely it is profitable for the rich man to support the parasite, seeing that, besides having him as an ornament, he derives great security from his service as bodyguard. In battle nobody would readily attack the rich man while he saw the other standing by, and in fact no one could die by poison who had a_ parasite; for who would dare to make an attempt on a man when a parasite tastes his meat and drink first? So the rich man not only is ornamented but is actually saved from the greatest: perils by the parasite, who faces every danger on account of his affection, and will not suffer the rich man to eat alone, but chooses even to die from eating with him.
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TYCHIADES It seems to me, Simon, that you have treated of everything without being in any degree inadequate to your art. You are not deficient in preparation, as you said you were; on the contrary, you are as thoroughly trained as one could be by the greatest masters. And now I want to know whether the very name of Parasitic is not discreditable. SIMON Note my answer and see if you think it is satisfactory, and try on your part to answer my question as you think best. Come, now, what about the noun from which it is derived? To what did the ancients apply it? TYCHIADES To food. SIMON And what about the simple verb, does it not mean “to eat”? TYCHIADES Yes. SIMON Then we have admitted, have we not, that to be a parasite is nothing but to eat with someone else? TYCHIADES Why, Simon, that is the very thing which seems discreditable!
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SIMON Come, then, answer me another question. Which seems to you to be the better, and which should you choose if both were open to you, to voyage or to voyage with someone else? TYCHIADES To voyage with someone else, for my part. SIMON To run, or to run with someone else? TYCHIADES To run with someone else. SIMON To ride, or to ride with someone else? TYCHIADES To ride with someone else. SIMON To throw the javelin, or to throw it with someone else? TYCHIADES To throw it with someone else. SIMON Then, in like manner, should you not choose to eat with someone else, rather than just to eat? TYCHIADES I cannot but admit it. Hereafter I shall go to you _ like a schoolboy both in the morning and after luncheon to learn your art. You, for your part, ought to teach me ungrudgingly, for I shall be your first pupil. They say that mothers love their first children more.