Reader

DORCASWe are ruined, mistress, ruined! Polemo has returned from the wars a rich man, they say. I’ve seen him myself wearing a purple-edged cloak all done up with a clasp, and a large retinue with him. When his friends saw him, they all flocked to him to welcome him. Meanwhile, I’d seen following behind him the servant who’d gone abroad with him and I questioned him. I greeted him first, and then said, “Tell me, Parmeno, how have you done? Have you brought back anything worth while for all that fighting?” PANNYCHISYou shouldn’t have asked that right away, but said, “Thanks be to all the gods for your safe return, and thanks most of all to Zeus, Protector of the Stranger, and to Athene, Goddess of War. My mistress was always asking what you were doing and where you were.” And it would have been a lot better if you’d added that she was always crying and talking of Polemo.

DORCASI did start with all those preliminaries, but I wouldn’t have mentioned them to you; I wanted to tell you what I’d heard. My first words to Parmeno were, “Well, Parmeno, were your ears burning? My mistress was always talking of you and weeping; particularly at times when someone had returned from battle and there were said to be a lot of fatal casualties, would she tear her hair, beat her breast, and grieve at every message.” PANNYCHISWell done, Dorcas! That was just right. DORCASThen a little later I asked the questions I’ve told you of, and he told me they’d returned in style. PANNYCHISWhat! Nothing first from him either about Polemo talking about me or missing me or praying he’d find me alive on his return? DORCASHe did indeed say a lot to that effect; but the main point was his news of great wealth, of gold, raiment, servants and ivory. He told me that the money they were bringing in silver wasn’t counted but measured by the bushel—and there were many bushels. Parmeno himself had on his little finger an enormous ring with many sides, which had set in it a jewel of three colours, the top layer being red. Well, I left him trying to tell me how they’d crossed the Halys, and killed someone called Tiridates, and how Polemo had distinguished himself in the battle with the Pisidians. I went running off to bring you this news, so that you can think what to do in the circumstances. If Polemo comes, as he certainly will, once he’s rid of his acquaintances, and starts asking questions, and finds Philostratus in the house with us, what do you think he’ll do?

PANNYCHISWe must find some escape from this situation. It wouldn’t be right for me to send Philostratus away, when he gave me a talent only the other day, and is, besides, a merchant, and promises me so much, nor yet would it be sensible for me to shut Polemo out, when he’s returned in such splendour. Besides, he’s so jealous, I could hardly put up with him even when he was poor. What do you think he’ll stop at now? DORCASHe’s coming. PANNYCHISI’m faint and helpless with panic. DORCASPhilostratus is coming too. PANNYCHISWhat’s to become of me? I wish the ground would swallow me up.

PHILOSTRATUSWhy don’t we have a drink, Pannychis? PANNYCHISYou’ve ruined me, fellow. Good day to you, Polemo. It’s a long time since I’ve seen you. POLEMOWho is this who’s being so familiar with you? Can’t you speak? Very well, Pannychis, go your own way. And here I’ve been rushing in haste from Thermopylae for five days, all for a woman like you! But it serves me right, though I’m grateful to think that henceforth I’ll be free from your plundering. PHILOSTRATUSWho are you, my good man? POLEMOPolemo of the Stirian deme and the Pandionic tribe, let me tell you. One who first was leader of a thousand, but now has five thousand shields following him, one who loved Pannychis, while I believed she was still content with mortal thoughts. PHILOSTRATUSBut now, my good freelance, you’ll find that Pannychis is mine. She’s had a talent from me, and shall have another presently, as soon as I’ve disposed of my cargo. Come with me now, Pannychis, and leave this fellow to be colonel among his Thracians. POLEMOShe’s a free woman, and will go with you only if she wishes. PANNYCHISWhat am I to do, Dorcas? DORCASYou’d better go in; you can’t go near Polemo when he’s so angry, and a little jealousy will only heighten his passion. PANNYCHISPlease let’s go in, Philostratus.

POLEMOI warn you that your drinking days will end today, or all my training in killing must go for nothing. Call up the Thracians, Parmeno. On with them in full armour, sealing off the alley with their phalanx! Hoplites in the centre, slingers and archers on the wings, and the rest in reserve! PHILOSTRATUSYou talk to us, mercenary, as though we were babes in arms whom you wish to scare with your idle threats. When did you ever kill so much as a cock or see fighting? You may have been a corporal guarding a few yards of wall, and that’s giving you the benefit of the doubt. POLEMOYou’ll soon know all about it, when you see us advancing against your unguarded flank with our armour glittering in the sun. PHILOSTRATUSJust prepare for the march and come on. Tibius here—he’s my only retainer—and I will pelt you with stones and potsherds and scatter you in such panic that you won’t know where you’ve gone.