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SOCRATES
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Pelt, pelt the scoundrel with plenty of stones! Heap him with clods! Pile him up with broken dishes, too! Beat the blackguard with your sticks! Look out he doesn’t get away! Throw, Plato; you too, Chrysippus; you too; everybody at once! Let’s charge him together. “Let wallet to wallet give succour, and cudgel to cudgel,”
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for he is our joint enemy, and there is not a man of us whom he has not outraged. Diogenes, ply your stick, if ever you did before; let none of you weaken; let him pay the penalty for his ribaldry. What is this? Have yon given out, Epicurus and Aristippus? Come, that is too bad!
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Show yourselves men, ye sages, and call up the fury of battle.
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Iliad6, 112; Homer has “friends,” not “sages.”
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SOCRATES Aristotle, make haste! Still faster! That’s well; the game is bagged. We have you, villain! you shall soon find out what sort of men you have been insulting. But how are we to punish him, to be sure? Let us invent a complex death for him, such as to satisfy us all; in fact he deserves to die seven times over for each of us. PHILOSOPHER I suggest he be crucified. ANOTHER Yes, by Heaven; but flogged beforehand. ANOTHER Let him have his eyes put out long beforehand ANOTHER Let him have that tongue of his cut off, even longer beforehand. SOCRATES And you, Empedocles—what do you suggest? EMPEDOCLES That he be thrown into my crater,Aetna, into which Eimpedocles is said to have leapt. so that he may learn not to abuse his betters. PLATO Indeed, the best suggestion would have been for him, like another Pentheus or Orpheus, “To find among the crags a riven doom,”Both Pentheus and Orpheus were torn to ieces by Maenads. The verse is from a lost tragedy (Nauck, Fr Fragm. p. 895). so that each of us might have gone off with a scrap of him.
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FRANKNESS No, no! In the name of Him who hears the suppliant,Zeus. spare me! PLATO Your doom is sealed: you cannot be let go now. You know, of course, what Homer says: Since between lions and men there exist no bonds of alliance. Iliad22, 262. FRANKNESS Indeed, I myself will quote Homer in begging you for mercy. Perhaps you will revere his verses and will not ignore me when I have recited them: Save me, for I am no churl, and I receive what is fitting in ransom, Copper and gold, that in truth are desirable even to sages. A cento; Iliad6, 46, 48; 20, 65. PLATO But we ourselves shall not be at a loss for a Homeric reply to you; listen to this, for instance: Think not now in your heart of escape, you speaker of slander, Even by talking of gold, oncé into our hands you have fallen. Iliad10, 447-8, with alterations. FRANKNESS Oh, what wretched luck! Homer, in whom I had my greatest hope, is useless to me. I suppose I must take refuge with Euripides; perhaps he might save me: Slay not! The suppliant thou shalt not skay. Nauck, p. 663. Cf. Ion1553. PLATO Ah, but is not this by Euripides, too? No harm for them that wrought to suffer harm. Orestes413. FRANKNESS hen will ye slay me now, because of words? Euripides? Nauck, p. 663. PLATO Yes, by Heaven! Anyhow, he himself says: Of mouths that are curbless And fools that are lawless The end is mischance. Bacchae386 ff.
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FRANKNESS Well, then, as you are absolutely determined to kill me and there is no possibility of my escaping, do tell me at least who you are and what irreparable injuries you have received from me that you’ are irreconcilably angry and have seized me for execution. PLATO What dreadful wrongs you have done us you may ask yourself, you rascal, and those precious dialogues of yours in which you not only spoke abusively of Philosophy herself, but insulted us by advertising for sale, as if in a slave-market, men who are learned, and what is more, free-born. Indignant at this, we requested a brief leave of absence from Pluto and have come up to get you—Chrysippus here, Epicurus, Plato (myself), Aristotle over there, Pythagoras here, who says nothing, Diogenes, and everyone that you vilified in your dialogues.
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FRANKNESS I breathe again, for you will not put me to death if you understand how I have acted as regards you. So throw away your stones; or better, keep them. You will make use of them against those who deserve them.It is curious that this suggestion, though emphasized by being repeated (§ 11), is not worked out. PLATO Nonsense: you must die to-day. Yes, forthwith Don your tunic of stone on account of the wrongs you have done us! Iliad3, 57. FRANKNESS Truly, gentlemen, you will put to death, you may depend upon it, the one man in the world whom you ought to commend as your friend, well-wisher, comrade in thought, and, if it be not in bad taste to say so, the defender of your teachings, if you put me to death after I have laboured so earnestly in your behalf. Take care, then, that you yourselves are not acting like most of our present-day philosophers by showing yourselves ungrateful and hasty and inconsiderate toward a benefactor. PLATO O what impudence! So we really owe you gratitude for your abuse, into the bargain? Are you so convinced that you are truly talking to slaves? Will you actually set yourself down as our benefactor, on top of all your insolent and intemperate language?
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FRANKNESS
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Where, pray, and when have I insulted you? I have always consistently admired philosophy and extolled you and lived on intimate terms with the writings that you have left behind. These very phrases that I utter—where else but from you did I get them? Culling them like a bee, I make my show with them before men, who applaud and recognize where and from whom and how I gathered each flower; and although ostensibly it is I whom they admire for the bouquet, as a matter of fact it is you and your garden, because you have put forth such blossoms, so gay and varied in their hues—if one but knows how to select and interweave and combine them so that they will not be out of harmony with one another. Would any man, after receiving this kindly treatment at your hands,-attempt to speak ill of benefactors to whom he owes his reputation? Not unless he be like Thamyris or Eurytus in his nature, so as to raise his voice against the Muses from whom he had the gift of song, or to match himself against Apollo in archery—and he the giver of the bow!
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PLATO
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That speech of yours is good rhetoric, my fine fellow; but it is directly against your case and only makes your presumptuousness appear more staggering, since ingratitude is now added to injustice. For you got your shafts from us, as you admit, and then turned them against us, making it your only aim to speak ill of us all. That is the way you have paid us for opening that garden to you and not forbidding you to pick flowers and go away with your arms full. For that reason, then, above all else, you deserve to die.
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FRANKNESS
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See! You give me an angry-hearing, and you reject every just plea! Yet I should never have supposed that anger could affect. Plato or Chrysippus or Aristotle or the rest of you; it seemed to me that you, and you alone, were surely far away from anything of that kind. But, however that may be, my masters, do not put me to death unsentenced and unheard. This too was once a trait of yours, not to deal with fellow-citizens on a basis of force and superior strength, but to settle your differences by course of law, according, a hearing and in your turn receiving one. So let us choose a judge, and then you may bring your complaint either jointly or through anyone whom you may elect to represent you all; and I will defend.myself against your charges. Then, if I am proven guilty, and the court passes that verdict upon me, I will submit, of course, to the punishment that I deserve, and you will not have taken it upon yourselves to do anything high-handed. But if after I have undergone my investigation I am found innocent and irreproachable, the jury will discharge me, and you will turn your anger against those who nave misled you and set you against me.
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PLATO There we have it! “Cavalry into the open,” so that you may give the slip to the jury and get away.As cavalry seeks open country to maneuvre in, so the lawyer seeks the courtroom. Compare Plato, Theaetetus, 183d: ἱππέας εἰς πεδίον προκαλεῖ, Σωκράτη εἰς λόγους προκαλούμενος. At any rate, they say that you are an orator and a lawyer and a wizard at making speeches. And whom do you wish to be judge, what is more? It must be someone whom you cannot influence by a bribe, as your sort often do, to cast an unjust ballot in your favour. FRANKNESS Do not be alarmed on that score. I should not care to have any such referee of suspicious or doubtful character, who would sell me his vote. See, for my part I nominate Philosophy herself to the bench, and you yourselves also! PLATO And who can conduct the prosecution if we are to be jurors? FRANKNESS Be prosecutors and jurors at the same time. Even that arrangement has no terrors for me, since I have so much the better of you in the justice of my case and expect to be so over-stocked with pleas.
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PLATO What shall we do, Pythagoras and Socrates? Really, the man seems to be making a reasonable request in demanding a trial. SOCRATES What can we do but go to court, taking Philosophy _ with us, and hear his defence, whatever it may be. Prejudgment is not our way; it is terribly unprofessional, characteristic of hot-headed fellows who hold that might is right. We shall lay ourselves open to hard words from those who like to deal in them if we stone a man who has had no opportunity even to plead his case, especially as we ourselves maintain that we delight in just dealing. What could we say of Anytus and Meletus, who prosecuted me, or of the jurors on that occasion, if this fellow is to die without getting any hearing at all?Literally, "without getting any water at all"; i.e. any of the time ordinarily allowed for court speeches, which was apportioned with a water-clock. PLATO Excellent advice, Socrates; so let us go and get Philosophy. She shall judge, and we shall be content with her decision, whatever it may be.
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FRANKNESS
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Well done, most learned sirs; this course is better and more legal. Keep your stones, however, as I said; for you will need them presently at court. But where is Philosophy to be found? For my part I do not know where she lives. Yet I wandered very long in search of her dwelling, so that I might study with her. Then I met men with short cloaks and long beards who professed to come directly from her; and thinking that they knew, I questioned them. But they were far more at a loss than I, and either made no answer, in order that they might not ‘be convicted of ignorance, or else pointed out one door after another. Even to this day I have been unable to find her house.
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FRANKNESS
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Often, either by guesswork on my own part or under the guidance of someone else; I would go to a door in the firm belief that at last I had found it, drawing my conclusion from the number of men that came and went, all solemn of countenance, decorous in dress, and studious in looks. So I would thrust myself among them and enter also. Then I always saw a hussy who was far from ingenuous, however much she strove to bring herself into harmony with simplicity and plainness. On the contrary, I perceived at once that she did not leave the apparent disorder of her hair unenhanced by art, nor let her mantle hang about her in unstudied folds. It was patent that she used it all asa make-up and employed her seeming negligence to heighten her attractiveness. There were also evidences of enamel and rouge; her talk was quite that of a courtesan; she delighted in being praised by her lovers for her beauty; she took eagerly any presents that were offered; and she would let her wealthy lovers sit close beside her, but would not even look at those who were poor. And often when she exposed her throat as if by accident, I saw gold necklaces thicker than shackles. Qn observing all this I would withdraw at once, pitying, as you may well believe, those poor unfortunates whom she was leading, not by the nose, but by the beard, and who, like Ixion, embraced but a phantom and not Hera.
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PLATO You are right in one point: the door is not conspicuous and not known to all. However, there will be no need to go to her house. We shall wait for her here in the Potters’ Quarter. She will come here presently, no doubt, on her way back from the Academy, to stroll in the Painted Porch also, for it is her custom to do so every day. In fact, here she comes now. Do you see her, the mannerly one, the one in the mantle, soft of eye, walking slowly, rapt in thought? FRANKNESS I see many who are alike in mantle, walk, and fashion. Yet surely only one, even among then, is the true Philosophy. PLATO Right, but she will show you who she is, just by speaking.
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PHILOSOPHY Ah! What are you all doing in the upper world, Plato and Chrysippus and Aristotle and the rest of you, the very fore-front of my studies? Why have you come back to life? Did anything in the underworld ‘distress you? You certainly appear to be angry. And who is this man whom you have taken into custody? Some ghoul or murderer or profaner of holiness, I suppose. PLATO “Yes, indeed, Philosophy, the most impious of all profaners, for he made bold to speak ill of you, than whom nothing is more holy, and of us, one and all, who learned something from you and have left it to those who came after us. PHILOSOPHY Then it made you angry to be vituperated? And yet you knew that in spite of the hard names which Comedy calls me during the festival of Dionysus, I have held her my friend, and neither sued her at law nor berated her in private, but permit her to make the fun that is in keeping and customary at the festival. I am aware, you see, that no harm can be done by a joke; that, on the contrary, whatever is beautiful shines brighter and becomes more conspicuous, like gold cleansed by its minting. But you, for some reason or other, have grown hot-tempered and violent. Tell me, why do you throttle him? PLATO "Obtaining leave of absence for this one day, we came to get him, so that he may pay the penalty for what he has done; for rumours repeatedly told us what sort of language he used in public against us.
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PHILOSOPHY Then you intend to put him to death before trial, without even a chance to defend himself? It is certainly clear that he wants to make.a statement. PLATO No: we have referred the whole matter to you, and you are to conclude the trial as you think best. PHILOSOPHY You, there, what do you say? FRANKNESS Precisely what they do, my Lady Philosophy; for. you, even without aid, could discover the truth. In fact, it was only with difficulty, after a deal of entreaty, that I secured the reservation of the case for you. PLATO Now, you scoundrel, you call her “My Lady,” do you? Just the other day you made her out to be . utterly contemptible by offering every form of her doctrines for sale at two obols apiece before so large an audience! PHILOSOPHY Careful! Perhaps fis abuse was not directed against Philosophy, but against impostors who do much that is vile in oyr name. FRANKNESS You shall see at once, if you will only hear my defence. PHILOSOPHY Let us go to the Areopagus, or-rather, to the Acropolis itself, so that at the same time we may get a bird’s eye view of everything in the city.
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PHILOSOPHY You, my dears, may walk about in the Painted Porch meanwhile: I shall join you after concluding the trial. FRANKNESS Who are they, Philosophy? They too seem very mannerly. PHILOSOPHY This one with the masculine air is Virtue; yonder is Temperance, and there beside her Justice; the one in advance is Culture, and she that is faint and indistinct in colour is Truth. FRANKNESS I do not see which one you really mean. PHILOSOPHY Do you not see the unadorned one over there, naked, always shrinking into the background and slipping away?: FRANKNESS I can just see her now. But why not bring them also, in order that the meeting may be full and perfect? As to Truth, indeed, I wish to introduce her into the trial as an advocate. PHILOSOPHY To be sure. (To the others) Come with us also. It is not a hard matter to try a single case, particularly one that will involve our own interests.
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TRUTH You others go: I do not-need to hear what I have long known all about. PHILOSOPHY But it would help us, Truth, if you should join in the trial and give us information on each point. TRUTH Then shall I bring along these two waitingwomen, who are in very close sympathy with me? PHILOSOPHY Yes, indeed, as many as you wish. TRUTH Come with us, Liberty and Free-speech, so that we may be able to rescue this poor creature, our admirer, who is facing danger for no just reason. You, Investigation, may stay where you are. FRANKNESS Hold, my lady: let him come too, if anyone is to come. Those whom I shall have to fight to-day are none of your ordinary cattle, but pretentious fellows, hard to argue down, always finding some loophole or other, so that Investigation is necessary. INVESTIGATION Yes, most necessary: and you had better take Proof along too.: TRUTH Come, all of you, since you appear to be necessary to the case.
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PLATO Do you see that? He is suborning Truth against us, Philosophy. PHILOSOPHY Then you, Plato and Chrysippus and Aristotle, are afraid that she, Truth, may tell some lie ‘in his behalf? PLATO It isn’t that, but he is terribly unprincipled and smooth-tongued, so that he will seduce her. PHILOSOPHY Have no fear. No injustice will be done while we have Justice here with us.
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PHILOSOPHY Let us go up, then. But tell me, what is your name? FRANKNESS Mine? Frankness, son of Truthful, son of Renowned Investigator. PHILOSOPHY And your country? FRANKNESS I am a Syrian, Philosophy, from the banks of the Euphrates. But what of that? I know that some of my opponents here are just as foreign-born as I: but in their manners and culture they are not like men of Soli or Cyprus or Babylon or Stageira.Although they were born there: Chrysippus in Soli, Aristotle in Stageira. No philosopher. mentioned: by name in this piece came from Cyprus or from Babylon, and these allusions are not clear. Perhaps Lucian has in mind Zeno of Citium and Poseidonius of Seleucia on the Tigris. Yet as far as you are concerned it would make no difference even if a man’s speech were foreign, if only his way of thinking were manifestly right and just.
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PHILOSOPHY True: it was a needless question, to be sure. But what is your calling? That at least is worth knowing. FRANKNESS Iam a bluff-hater, cheat-hater, liar-hater, vanityhater, and hate all that sort of scoundrels, who are very numerous, as you know. PHILOSOPHY Heracles! You follow a hateful calling! FRANKNESS You are right. You see, in fact, how many have come to dislike me and how I am imperilled because I follow it. However, I am very well up in the opposite calling, too: I mean the one with love for a base; for I am a truth-lover, a beauty-lover, a simplicitylover, and a lover of all else that is kindred to love. But there are very few who deserve to have this calling practised upon them, while those who come under the other and are closer akin to hatefulness number untold thousands. So the chances are that by this time I have lost my skill in the pne calling for lack of practice, but have become very expert in the other. PHILOSOPHY But that ought not to be so, for if a man can do the one, they say, he can do the other. So do not distinguish the two callings; they are but one, though they seem two. FRANKNESS You know best as to that, Philosophy. For my part, however, I am so-constituted as to hate rascals and to commend and love honest men.
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PHILOSOPHY Come, now, since we are where we planned to be, let us hold our court somewhere hereabouts in the portico of Our Lady of the Citadel.Athena Polias, who shared with Erechtheus the temple now known as the Erechtheum. Priestess, arrange the benches for us. Let us in the meantime pay our homage to the goddess. FRANKNESS Lady of the Citadel, come to my aid against the pretenders, remembering how many oaths thou dost hear them make and break each day, and what they do thou alone seest, dwelling as thou dost upon a lookout. Now is thine hour to requite them. If thou seest that I am being overborne, and that the black ballots are more than the half, add thou thine own and set me free.Frankness aske of Athena more aid than she generally gave; for the proverbial ballot of Athena merely decided a tie vote in favour of the defendant, as in the trial of Orestes.
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PHILOSOPHY Well and good. Here we are for you, gentlemen, all seated in readiness to hear the speeches. Choose one of your number who in your opinion can best conduct the prosecution, and when you have done so, build up your complaint and establish your charge; it is not feasible for all to speak at once. You, Frankness, shall make your defence thereafter. PLATO Which. of us, I wonder, would be the best fitted to handle the case? CHRYSIPPUS You, Plato. Marvellous sublimity, superlatively Attic elegance, charm and _ persuasiveness, insight, subtlety, opportune seductiveness in demonstration— all this is yours to the full. Accept the spokesmanship, therefore, and say whatever is appropriate in behalf of us all. Remember now all your former successes and put together any points you have urged against Gorgias or Polos or Hippias or Prodicus: this man is more able than they. So apply a light sprinkling of irony, too, put those clever, incessant questions of yours, and if you think best, also slip it in somewhere that “great Zeus in heaven driving his winged car” would be angry if this man should not be punished.
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PLATO No, let us make use of someone more strenuous— Diogenes here, or Antisthenes, or Crates, or you yourself, Chrysippus. For surely what the occasion demands now is not elegance and literary distinction, but some degree of argumentative and forensic equipment: Frankness is a professional speaker. DIOGENES Well, then, I will be prosecutor, for we shall not require speeches of any great length, I suppose: and besides, I have been insulted beyond all of you, since I was auctioned off the other day for two obols. PLATO Diogenes will make the speech, Philosophy, for all of us. Remember, friend, not just to speak for yourself in the complaint, but to keep our common interests in view. If we do disagree with one another a little in our doctrines, you must not examine into that, or attempt to say who is the nearer right, but, in general, make an impassioned plea for Philosophy herself, because she has been heaped with insult and shamefully abused in the dialogues of Freespeaker; ignore the personal views wherein we differ, and fight for what we all have in common. Take note, you are our sole representative and it rests with you whether all our teachings are to seem worthy of high reverence or to be thought no better than this man made them out to be.
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DIOGENES Do not be alarmed; we shall not come short: I will speak in behalf of all. Even if Philosophy, swayed by his eloquence—for she is naturally kindly and gentle—determines to acquit him, I for my part shall not be found wanting, for I will show him that we do not carry sticks for nothing! PHILOSOPHY Not by .any means! Use arguments, rather, for that is better. Butdo notdelay. The water already has been poured in,i.e, the water-clock has been filled. and the jury has its eyes upon you. FRANKNESS Let the othersThe rest of the philosophers, who are to sit on the jury (§ 9). take seats, Philosophy, and cast their votes with your company, and let Diogenes be the only prosecutor. PHILOSOPHY Then are you not afraid they may find you guilty? FRANKNESS Not at all. In fact, I wish to win by a larger majority. PHILOSOPHY That is handsome of you. Well, then, take your seats, and you, Diogenes, begin your speech.
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DIOGENES
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What sort of men we were in life, Philosophy, you know right well, and I need not discuss that point at all; for who is not aware how much beauty was brought into life by Pythagoras here, Plato, Aristotle, Chrysippus and the others, to say nothing of myself?
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I shall proceed to speak of the insults which, in spite of our merit, this double-dyed scoundrel Frankness has dealt us. He is a public speaker, they say: but abandoning the courts and the successes to be gained therein, he concentrated upon us all thé eloquence and power that he had acquired .in rhetoric, and not only unceasingly abuses us himself by calling us cheats and liars, but induces the public to laugh and sneer at us as if we amounted to nothing at all. More than that, he has at last made people actually hate you, Philosophy, as well as us by dubbing your doctrines stuff and nonsense and rehearsing in mockery all that is most serious in what you taught us, so as to get applause and praise from his audience for himself and contumely for us. The common sort are that way by nature; they delight in jesters and buffoons, and most of all when they criticise what is held in high reverence. Just so in days gone by they took delight in Aristophanes and Eupolis, who brought Socrates on the stage to make fun of him and got up monstrous farces about him. The playwrights, however, showed their boldness against only one man, and at the Dionysia, when it was’ permissible to do so, and the joking was considered part of the holiday, and
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The god, who loves his joke, no doubt was pleased.Author unknown.
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DIOGENES But this man brings the best people together, after a long period of thinking and preparing and writing down slanders in a thick roll, and then loudly abuses Plato, Pythagoras, Aristotle here, Chrysippus there, myself,and in a word, one and all, without the sanction of a holiday and without having. had anything done to him personally by us. He would have some excuse for the thing, of course,if he had acted in self-defence instead of starting the quarrel. What is worst of all, in doing this sort of thing, Philosophy, he shelters himself under your name, and he has suborned Dialogue, our serving-man, employing him against us as a helper and a spokesman. Moreover, he has actually bribed Menippus,The Cynic, of Gadara: Lucian’s chief predecessor in satirical prose. a comrade of ours, to take part in his farces frequently; he is the only one who is not here and does not join us in the prosecution, thereby playing traitor to our common cause.
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DIOGENES For all this he ought to be punished. What, pray, can he have to say for himself after ridiculing all that is most holy before so many witnesses? In fact, it would be a good thing for them, too, if they were to see him punished, so that no other man might ever again sneer at Philosophy; for to keep quiet and pocket insults might well be thought to betoken weakness and simplicity rather than self-control. And who could put up with his last performances? Bringing us like slaves to the auction-room and appointing a crier, he sold us off, they say, some for a high price, some for an Attic mina, and me, arrant scoundrel that he is, for two obols! And those present laughed! On account of this, we ourselves have come up here in a rage, and we think it right that you for your part should avenge us because we have been insulted to the limit.
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PLATO Good, Diogenes! You have splendidly said all that you ought on behalf of us all. PHILOSOPHY Stop applauding! Pour in the water for the defendant. Now, Frankness, make your speech in turn, for the water now is running for you. Don’t delay, then.
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FRANKNESS Diogenes did not complete the complaint against me, Philosophy. He left out, for some reason or other, the greater part of what I said, and everything that was very severe. But I am so far from denying. that I said it all and from appearing with a studied defence that whatever he passed over in silence or I neglected previously to say, I purpose to include now. In that way you can find out whom I put up for sale and abused, calling them pretenders and cheats. And I beg you merely to note throughout whether what I say about them is true. If my speech should prove to contain anything shocking or offensive, it is not I, their critic, but they, I think, whom you would justly blame for it, acting as they do. As soon as I perceived how many disagreeable attributes a public speaker must needs acquire, such as chicanery, lying, impudence, loudness of mouth, sharpness of elbow, and what all besides, I fled from all that, as was natural, and set out to attain your high ideals, Philosophy, expecting to sail, as it were, out of stormy waters into a peaceful haven and to live out the rest of my life under your protection.
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FRANKNESS
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Hardly had I caught a glimpse of “your doctrines when I conceived admiration for you, as was inevitable, and for all these men, who are the lawgivers of the higher life and lend a helping hand to those who aspire to it by giving advice which is extremely good and extremely helpful if one does not act contrary to it or falter, but fixedly regards the principles which you have established and tries to bring his life into harmony and agreement with them—a thing, to be sure, which very few, even of your own disciples, do!
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When I saw, however, that many were not in love with Philosophy, but simply coveted the reputation of the thing, and that although in all the obvious, commonplace matters which anyone can easily copy they were very like worthy men (in beard, I mean, and walk and garb), in their life and actions, however, they contradicted their outward appearance and reversed your practice and sullied the dignity of the profession, I became angry. The case seemed to me to be as if some actor in tragedy who was soft and womanish should act the part of Achilles or Theseus, or even Heracles himself, without either walking or speaking as a hero should, but showing off airs and graces in a mask of such dignity. Even Helen or Polyxena would never suffer such a man to resemble them too closely, let alone Heracles, the conquering hero, who, in my opinion, would very soon smash both man and mask with a few strokes of his club for making him out so disgracefully effeminate.
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FRANKNESS Just so with me; when I saw you so treated by those others, I could not brook the shame, of their impersonation when they made bold, though but apes, to wear heroic masks, or to copy the ass of Cumae who put on a lion’s skin and claimed to be himself a lion, braying in a very harsh and fearsome way at the ignorant Cumaeans, until at length a foreigner, who had often seen lions and asses, exposed him and chased him away by beating him with sticks. But what seemed to me most shocking, Philosophy, was this, that if people saw any one of these fellows engaged in any wicked or unseemly or indecent practice, every man of them at once laid the blame upon Philosophy herself, and upon Chrysippus or Plato or Pythagoras or whichever one of you furnished that sinner with a name for himself and a model for his harangues; and from him, because he was leading an evil life, they drew sorry conclusions about you others, who died long ago. For as you were not alive, he could not be compared with you. You were not there, and they all clearly saw him following dreadful and discreditable practices, so that you suffered judgment by default along with him and became involved in the same scandal.
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I could not endure this spectacle, but set about exposing them and distinguishing them from you; and you, who ought to reward me for it, bring me into court! Then if I observed one of the initiates disclosing the mysteries of the Goddesses Twain and rehearsing them in public, and became indignant and showed him up, would you consider me the impious one: It would not be just. Certainly the officials of the games always flog an actor if he takes the part of Athena or Poseidon or Zeus and does not play it well and in accordance with the dignity of the gods; and the gods themselves are surely not angry at them for letting the scourgers whip a man. wearing their masks and dressed in their clothing. On the contrary, they would be gratified, I take it, if he were flogged more soundly. Not to act a servant’s or a messenger’s part cleverly is a trivial fault, but not to present Zeus or Heracles to the spectators worthily—Heaven forfend! how shameful!
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FRANKNESS
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It is most extraordinary, too, that most of them are thoroughly up in your writings, but live as if they read and studied them simply to practise the reverse. Their book tells them they must despise wealth and reputation, think that only what is beautiful is good, be free from anger, despise these people of eminence, and talk with them as man to man; and its advice is beautiful, as Heaven is my witness, and wise and wonderful, in all truth. But they teach these very doctrines for pay, and worship the rich, and are agog after money; they are more quick-tempered than curs, more cowardly than hares, more servile than apes, more lustful than jackasses, more thievish than cats, more quarrelsome than game-cocks. Consequently, they let themselves in for ridicule when they hustle after it all and elbow one another at the portals of the rich and take part in great banquets, where they pay vulgar compliments, stuff themselves beyond decency, grumble openly at their portions, vent their philosophy disagreeably and discordantly over their cups, and fail to carry their drink well. All those present who are not of the profession laugh at them, naturally, and spit philosophy to scorn for breeding up such beasts.
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FRANKNESS Most shameless of all, though each one of them says he needs nothing and bawls it abroad that only the wise man is rich, after a little he presents himself and asks for something, and is angry if he does not get it. It is just as if someone in royal robes, with a high turban and a diadem and all the other marks of kingly dignity, should play the mendicant, begging of men worse off than himself. When they must needs receive a present, there is a great deal of talk to the effect that a man should be ready to share what he has, and that money does not matter: “What, pray, does gold or silver amount to, since it’ is not in any way better than pebbles on the sea-shore!”” But when someone in want of help, an old-time comrade and friend, goes and asks for a little of their plenty, he encounters silence, hesitancy, forgetfulness, and complete recantation of doctrines. Their numerous speeches about friendship, their “virtue’”’ and their “honour” have all gone flying off, I know not whither, winged words for certain, idly bandied about by them daily in their class-rooms.
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FRANKNESS Each of them is your friend as long as silver and gold are not in sight on the table; but if you merely give them a glimpse of an obol, the peace is broken, it is war without truce or parley everywhere, the pages of their books have become blank, and Virtue has taken to her heels. So it is with dogs, when you toss a bone among them; they spring to their feet and begin biting each other and barking at the one that was first to snatch the bone. It is said, too, that a king of Egypt once taught apes to dance, and that the animals, as they are very apt at imitating human ways, learned quickly and gave an exhibition, with purple mantles about them and masks on their faces. For a long time the show, they say, went well, until a facetions spectator, having nuts in his pocket, tossed them into the midst. On catching sight of them, the monkeys forgot their dance, changed from artists of the ballet to the simians that they really were, smashed their masks, tore their costumes, and fought with each other for the nuts; whereby the carefully planned ballet was entirely broken up, and was laughed at by the spectators.
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FRANKNESS These self-styled philosophers do just that, and I for my part abused their sort, and shall never stop criticizing and ridiculing them. But as for you and those who resemble you—for there are, there are some who truly cultivate philosophy and abide by your laws—may I never be so insane as to say anything abusive or unkind of you! What could I say? What is there of that nature in the lives that you have led? But those pretenders and miscreants deserve in my opinion to be hated. Come, now, Pythagoras, Plato, Chrysippus, Aristotle—what do you say? Have their sort anything to do with you, ov have they displayed any similarity or kinship in their mode of life? Aye, “Heracles and the monkey, as the proverb has it!You are no more like these men than Heracles was like the monkey that wore the lion’s skin. Cf. § 32, and Lover of Lies, § 5. Because they have long beards and claim to be philosophers and look sour, ought they to be compared with you? [could have: put up with it if they were at least convincing in their roles, but as things are, it would be easier for a buzzard to imitate a nightingale than for them to imitate philosophers. I have said all that I had to say in my own defence. Truth, tell them whether it is true.
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PHILOSOPHY Stand aside, Frankness; still farther ... What are we to do? What did you think of the man’s speech? TRUTH For my part, Philosophy, while he was speaking I prayed that I might sink into the earth, so true was everything that he said. In fact, as I listened, I recognized each of the men who act that way and applied his remarks to them: “That refers to this man; so-and-so does that.” In short, he portrayed the gentlemen to the life, as in a painting, accurate likenesses in every respect, depicting not only their persons, but their very souls‘as faithfully as could be. VIRTUE I, Virtue, also had to blush for shame. PHILOSOPHY And what say you? PLATO What else but to acquit him of the charge and set him down as our friend and benefactor? Indeed, just what happened to the IliansThe latter-day Trojans. has happened to us— we have brought down upon ourselves an actor of tragedies to hold forth about the woes of the Trojans! Let him hold forth, then, and make tragedies out of these miscreants. DIOGENES I, too, Philosophy, commend the man highly, take back my complaint and count him a friend, for he is a gallant fellow.
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PHILOSOPHY Good! Come, Frankness. We acquit you of the charge; you have an unanimous verdict in your favour, and from now on you may count yourself one of my household. FRANKNESS I pay my homage at once. (He kisses his hand.) But no! I think I shall do it more as they do in a play, for that will be more reverential: O Victory, goddess so greatly revered, Take my life in thy care And cease not to crown me with garlands. Euripides, close of Phoenissac, Orestes, Iphigenia om Tauris. VIRTUE Well, then, let us now initiate our second bowl of wine. Let us summon up those others to be punished for the insults they are inflicting upon us. Frankness shall accuse each of them. PHILOSOPHY Quite right, Virtue; so slip down into the town, Syllogism, my lad, and summon the philosophers.
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SYLLOGISM Oyez! Silence! Let the philosophers come to the Acropolis to present their defence before Virtue, Philosophy, and Justice. FRANKNESS Do you see! Very few of them understood the summons and are coming up. Besides, they fear Justice, and most of them are actually too busy because of their attentions to the rich. If you wish them all to come, Syllogism, make your proclamation like this— SYLLOGISM No! You summon them, Frankness. in the way you think best.
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FRANKNESS
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Nothing hard about that. Oyez! Silence! All who assert that they are philosophers, and all who think that they have any connection with the name, come tothe Acropolis for a distribution of gifts! Two minas will be given to every man, and a seed-cake also; and whoever displays a Jong beard shall receive a basket of figs into the bargain. Never mind temperance or justice or self-control, as these qualities are not essential if they are not available; but let each bring with him five syllogisms by all means, for without these it is impossible to be wise.
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Lo, we have set up as prize two talents of gold for the contest;
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These shall we give unto him who prevails over all in debating!
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Cf. Iliad18, 507-8.
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PHILOSOPHY Aha! What a lot of them! The road up to the gate is full of men hustling after the two minas, as soon as they heard of them; others are coming up beside the Pelasgicon;The prehistoric wall of the Acropolis. Only tumble-down pieces were then to be seen (cf. § 47). The bit. referred to here was at the north-west corner, by the cave of Pan (Double Indictment, § 9). others by the precinct of Asclepius;On the south slope, near the theatre of Dionysus. even more of them along the Areopagus;To the west, near the main entrance. some, too, by the tomb of Talus;Talus (or Calus) was nephew of Daedalus, who out of jealousy threw him down the cliff. Certain stones at the back of the theatre of Dionysus are thought to belong to his tomb. and some have set ladders against the temple of the Twin BrethrenNorth side: exact site uncertain. and are climbing up with a hum, by Heaven, and “in clusters” like swarming bees, to use the words of Homer;Iliad 2, 89. from that side right many, and from the other Thousands of men, like the leaves and the flowers that come in the springtime.Iliad2, 468. The Acropolis is full in a trice as they noisily settle in place, Iliad2, 463. and everywhere are begging-bags and flattery, beards and shamelessness, staves and gluttony, syllogisms and avarice. The few that came up in answer to the first summons are obscure and inconspicuous, intermingled with the crowd of others, and they escape the eye in the general similarity of garb. FRANKNESS In fact, that is the worst feature of it all, Philosophy, and the one for which you could be most criticized, that you have set no mark and token upon them. These cheats are often more convincing than the genuine philosophers. PHILOSOPHY That shall be seen to presently; but let us welcome them now.
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PLATONIST We Platonists should get our share first. PYTHAGOREAN No! we Pythagoreans, for Pythagoras was earlier. STOIC Nonsense! we of the Porch are better. PERIPATETIC Not at all; in matters of money we of the Walk should be first. EPICUREAN Give us Epicureans the cakes and the figs, but we will wait for the money, even if we have to be the last to get it. ACADEMIC Where are the two talents? We Academics will show you how much better debaters we are than the rest! STOIC Not while we Stoics are here!
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Stop your bickering! You Cynics, do not jostle one another or strike each other with your staves. You were asked here for a different purpose, let me assure you! And now I, Philosophy, and Virtue here and Truth will decide who are the genuine philosophers. Then all who are found to be living by our rules shall be pronounced superior and will be happy ever after, but as for the cheats and all those who have nothing in common with us, we shall put the wretches to a wretched end, so that they may not claim any part in things that are over their heads, false pretenders that they are! What is this? Are you running away? By Heaven, they are, most of them jumping over the cliffs! The Acropolis is empty except for these few who have remained because they did not fear the trial.
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PHILOSOPHY Attendants, pick up the bag which the Cynic threw away in the rout. Come, let me see what is in it; probably lupines, or a book, or some whole-wheat bread. ATTENDANT No! gold—see here!—perfume, a razor, a mirror, and a set of dice! PHILOSOPHY Good for you, my fine fellow! Were these your instruments for the mortification of the flesh, and did’ _ you think that with the aid of these you could abuse all mankind and instruct the rest of the world? FRANKNESS Well, there you see what they are like. You must consider how all this is to stop going on unobserved, and how those who come into contact with them are to tell which of them are the good and which, on the contrary, the followers of thte other life. PHILOSOPHY Invent a plan, Truth; for it would be in your own interest to do so, in order that Falsehood may not prevail over you, and bad men, under the cloak of Ignorance, escape your eye when they imitate the good.
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TRUTH If you think best, let us empower Frankness himself to do this, since we have seen that he is honest and in sympathy with us, and that he particularly admires you, Philosophy—to take along Investigation and put himself in the way of all who claim to be philosophers. Then, whenever he finds a truly legitimate son of Philosophy, let him crown the man with a wreath of green olive and invite him to the Prytaneum;To be maintained at public expense, as Socrates thought he should have been. and if he meets a scoundrel whose philosophy is but stage-play—there are many of that sort—let him tear his mantle, cut off his beard close to the skin with goat-shears, and stamp or brand a mark on his forehead, between the eyebrows; let the pattern of the brand be a fox or an ape. PHILOSOPHY Good for you, Truth! Let the test, Frankness, be like the test of the eaglets against the sun. Not that they, like the eaglets, are to stare at the light and be put to the proof in that way; but set gold and fame and pleasure in their view, and whomsoever of them you see paying no attention and in no way attracted to the spectacle, let him be the one to wear the crown of green olive; but whomever you see gazing fixedly at the gold and reaching his hand out after it, hale him off to the branding-place, after first cutting off his beard in accordance with our decision.
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FRANKNESS It shall be done, Philosophy. You shall very soon see most of them wearing the fox-brand or the ape- brand, and but few crowned with wreaths. If you like, however, I will bring you up some of them here and now. PHILOSOPHY What! you will bring up the runaways? FRANKNESS Yes, indeed, if the priestess will be good enough to lend me for a moment that hook and line which the fisherman from the Peiraeus dedicated. PRIESTESS There, take it, and the rod too, so that you may have a complete outfit. FRANKNESS And now, priestess, give me some figs quickly and a little of your gold. PRIESTESS Take them. PHILOSOPHY What does the man intend to do? Baiting the hook with the fig and the gold, and taking his seat on the crest of the wall, he has made a cast into the town! Why are you doing that, Frankness? Have you made up your mind to fish up the stones out of the Pelasgicon? FRANKNESS Hush, Philosophy; wait and see my catch. Poseidon, god of fishermen, and dear Amphitrite, send us up quantities of fish!
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FRANKNESS Ah! I see a fine big pike, or rather, a golden carp.—No, it is a cat-fish. Anyhow, he is coming up to the hook with his mouth open. He has scented the gold; now he is close by; he struck; he is on; let’s pull him up. You pull too, Investigation. Investigation, take hold of the line with me! INVESTIGATION He isup! Come, let me see what you are, my good fish. A dogfish!i.e, a Cynic. Heracles, what teeth! How about it, my fine fellow? Caught, were you, gormandizing about the rocks, where you hoped to slip under cover and keep out of sight? But now you will be in public view, hung up by the gills! Let us take out the hook and the bait. No, by Zeus, he has swallowed it! Here is your hook, all bare; the fig and the gold are secure in his insides. FRANKNESS Let him spew them up, by Zeus, so that we may bait for others. That’s well. What say you, Diogenes; do you know who this fellow is, and has he anything in common with you? DIOGENES Not in the least! FRANKNESS Well, how much ought we to call him worth? For my part, I valued him at two obols the other day. DIOGENES A high price. He is inedible and ugly and tough and worthless. Throw him down the cliff head first. Let down your hook and pull up another. But I say: look out, Frankness, not to let your rod bend till it breaks. FRANKNESS Have no fear, Diogenes. They are light, and pull no harder than weakfish.Lucian puns upon ἀφύη (a small fish, sprat) and ἀφυή (dull, stupid). DIOGENES Aye, they are mighty weak, for certain; pull them up, however.
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FRANKNESS See! Here comes another fish that looks like a plate,The pun here is upon Πλάτων and πλατύς (flat). as if he were sliced lengthways, a sort of flatfish, opening his mouth for the hook. He has swallowed it; he is caught. Up with him! What is he? INVESTIGATION The kind that styles itself Platonic. FRANKNESS So you came to get the gold too, confound you? What do vou say, Plato? What are we to do with him?
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PLATO Over the same cliff with him! Let down for another. FRANKNESS Ah, I see a very handsome one coming up, as far as can be judged in the deep water; of many colours, with golden stripes on his back.The Peripatetics were criticized for love of gay clothing and gold. Do you see him, Investigation? INVESTIGATION He is the kind that claims the name of Aristotle. FRANKNESS He came up and then swam away again. He is making a careful survey. Now he has come back again; he has opened his mouth; he is caught. Up with him. ARISTOTLE Don’t ask me about him, Frankness. I don’t know who he is. FRANKNESS Then he too shall go over the cliff, Aristotle.
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FRANKNESS But look here! I see a great number of fish closely alike in colour, spiny and rough-skinned, harder to grasp than sea-urchins.Stoics, then the most numerous school. They themselves were uncouth, and their doctrines spiny. Shall we need a seine for them? PHILOSOPHY But we haven't any. It will be enough if we land only one out of the school. The one that comes to the hook will of course be the boldest of them. INVESTIGATION Let down your line, if you want, but first arm it with iron for some distance, so that he may. not saw it off with his teeth after he has swallowed the gold. FRANKNESS It is down. Poseidon, grant us a quick catch! Aha! _ they are fighting over the bait; some are nibbling the fig in schools and some have taken firm hold of the gold. Good! A very powerful one is on the hook! Come, let me see whose namesake you say you are. But itis silly of me to try to make a fish talk; these anyhow are certainly dumb! Come, Investigation, tell us whom he has for master. INVESTIGATION Chrysippus here. FRANKNESS I understand: because there was gold in the name, I take it. Well, Chrysippus, in the name of the Goddess of Wisdom tell us, do you know these fellows, and do you advise them to do as they do? CHRYSIPPUS By Zeus, your questions are insulting, Frankness, if you imply that we have anything in common with that sort. FRANKNESS Good, Chrysippus: that is handsome of you. He too shall go head first after the rest, as he is.spiny and there is danger that anyone who should try to eat him might get a hole in his gullet.
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PHILOSOPHY Enough of fishing, Frankness. One of them— there are many capable of it—may snatch off the gold and the hook and make away with them, and then you will have to settle with the priestess. So let us go away to take our stroll, and as for you (to the. Philosophers), it is high time you went where you came from, that you may not overstay your leave. Frankness, you and Investigation seek them all out on every hand and either crown or brand them, as I said. FRANKNESS It shall be done, Philosophy. Good-bye, gentlemen. Let us go down into the town, Investigation, and carry out our orders. INVESTIGATION Where shall we go first? To the Academy, or to the Porch? Or shall we begin with the Lyceum? FRANKNESS It will make no difference. I am sure, however, that wherever we go we shall need few crowns of olive, but many brands.