Symposium
Lucian of Samosata (lucian-of-samosata)Symp 29 · perseus-eng2More by Lucian of Samosata (lucian-of-samosata)
Choose a text
id="mobileReaderAuthor" class="mobile-reader-author" href="/authors/lucian-of-samosata" aria-label="More works by Lucian of Samosata (lucian-of-samosata)">
—
⋯
Original / primary: Perseus Eng2
1
PHILO They say you had all kinds of sport yesterday, Lycinus, at the house of Aristaenetus, at dinner, and that several speeches on philosophy were made, out of which quite a quarrel arose. Unless Charinus was lying, the affair even ended in wounds and the party was finally broken up by the shedding of blood. LYCINUS Now how did Charinus know that, Philo? He did not dine with us. PHILO He said that Dionicus, the doctor, told “him. Dionicus, I suppose, was one of the guests. LYCINUS Yes, to be sure; but even he was not there for all of it, from the very beginning: it was late and the battle was about half over when he came on the scene, a little before the wounds. So I am surprised that he could give a clear account of any of it, as he did not witness what led up to the quarrel that ended in bloodshed.
2
2
PHILO
2
2
True, Lycinus; and for that very reason Charinus told us, if we wanted to hear the truth of it and all the details, to come to you, saying that Dionicus himself had said that he was not there for all ot it, but that you knew exactly what had happened and could actually recite the speeches, being, as you are, an attentive and not a careless listener to such discussions. So do hurry and give us this most delightful entertainment—-for none, I am sure, could »be more delightful, at least to me, especially as we ‘shall enjoy a peaceful and bloodless entertainment, without intemperance and out of range of missiles, whether it was old men or young who misconducted themselves at dinner, led on by strong drink to do and say what they should not.
3
3
LYCINUS
3
3
It was rather a silly affair, Philo, and yet you want me to publish it abroad and tell what happened when heads were turned with wine, when it all should be forgotten and the whole business put down'to a god— . Dionysus, I mean, who scarcely permits anyone to remain uninitiated in his rites and a stranger to his revels. Don’t you think it rather bad form to enquire into such matters minutely? The proper thing is to leave them behind you in the diningroom when you go away. As you know, there is a saying from the poets: “I hate to drink with him that hath a memory.”
3
1
3
And Dionicus did not do right, either, to blab it all to Charinus and besprinkle philosophers with the copious dregs of their stale cups. As for me—get out with you! I shan’t tell you anything of the kind!
4
PHILO That is all put on, Lycinus. But you needn’t have acted that way with me, for I know very well that you are much more eager to talk than I to listen, and I have an idea that if you had nobody to listen to you, you would enjoy going up to a pillar or a statue and pouring it all out in a stream, without a pause. In fact, if I should wish to go away now, you would not let me go untold, but would hold me and follow me and entreat me. And now I am going to take my turn at putting on. (Turns to‘another friend.) If you like, let’s go and find out about it from someone else. (To Lyctnus.) You may keep your story to yourself! LYCINUS Don’t get angry! I will tell you, since you are so anxious, but don’t you tell a lot of people. PHILO If I have not forgotten all I know of you, Lycinus, you will do that better than I can, and you will lose no time in telling everybody, so that I shan’t be needed.
5
PHILO But first tell me one thing—was it to celebrate the wedding of his son Zeno that Aristaenetus entertained you? LYCINUS No, he was marrying his daughter Cleanthis to the son of Eucritus the banker, the lad who is studying philosophy. PHILO A very good-looking lad, to be sure; still immature, though, and hardly old enough to be married. LYCINUS But he could not find anyone who suited him better, I suppose. As this boy seemed to be mannerly and had taken an interest in philosophy, and also as he was the only son of Eucritus, who is rich, he preferred him to all the rest as a husband for his daughter. PHILO You give a very good reason in saying that Eucritus is rich. But come, Lycinus, who were the people at dinner?
6
6
LYCINUS
6
6
Why should I tell you all of them? The philosophers and literary men, whom, I suppose, you are most eager to hear about, were Zenothemis, the old man of the Porch,
6
1
6
and along with him Diphilus, whom they call “Labyrinth,” tutor of Aristaenetus’ boy Zeno. From the Walk
6
2
6
there was Cleodemus— you know him, the mouthy, argumentative fellow, whom his pupils call “Sword” and “Cleaver.” Hermon the Epicurean was there too, and as he came in the Stoics at once began to glower at him and turn their backs on him; it was clear that they loathed him as they would a parricide or a man under a curse. These men had been asked to dinner as Aristaenetus’ own friends and associates, and also the grammarian Histiaeus and the rhetorician Dionysodorus.
7
7
LYCINUS
7
7
Then, too, on account of Chaereas, the bridegroom, Ion the Platonic philosopher, who is his teacher, shared the feast—a grave and reverend person to look at, with great dignity written on his features. Indeed, most people call him “Rule,” out of regard for the straightness of his thinking. When he came in, they all arose in his honour and received him like a supernatural being; in short it was a regular divine visitation, the advent of Ion the marvellous.
8
8
LYCINUS
8
8
By that time we had to take our places, for almost everyone was there. On the right as you enter, the women occupied the whole couch, as there were a good many of them, with the bride among them, very scrupulously veiled and hedged in by the women. Toward the back door came the rest of the company according to the esteem in which each was held.
9
9
LYCINUS
9
9
Opposite the women, the first was Eucritus, and then Aristaenetus. Then a question was raised whether Zenothemis the Stoic should have _precedence, he being an old man, or Hermon the Epicurean, because he was a priest of the Twin Brethren and a member of the leading family in the city. But Zenothemis solved the problem; “Aristaenetus,” said he, “if you put me second to this man here,— an Epicurean, to say nothing worse of him,—I shall go away and leave you in full possession of your board.” With that he called his attendant and made as if to go out. So Hermon said: “Take the place of honour, Zenothemis; but you would have done well to yield to me because I am a priest, if for no other reason, however much you despise Epicurus.” “You make me laugh,’ said Zenothemis: “an Epicurean priest!’ With these words he took his place, and Hermon next him, in spite of what had passed; then Cleodemus the Peripatetic; then Ion, and below him the bridegroom, then myself; beside me Diphilus, and below him his pupil Zeno; and then the rhetorician Dionysodorus and the grammarian Histiaeus,
10
PHILO Heavens, Lycinus, it’s a learned academy, this dinner party that you are telling of! Philosophers almost to a man. Good for Aristaenetus, I say, because in celebrating the greatest festival day that there is, he thought fit to entertain the most learned men in preference to the rest of the world, and culled the bloom, as it were, of every school, not including some and leaving out others, but asking all without discrimination. LYCINUS Why, my dear fellow, he is not one of the common run of rich men; he is interested in culture and spends the better part of his time with these people.
11
11
LYCINUS
11
11
Well, we dined peacefully at first, and were served with all sorts of dishes, but I don’t suppose there is any need of enumerating them—the sauces and pastries and ragouts. There was everything, and plenty of it. Meanwhile Cleodemus bent over to Ion and said: “Do you see the old man?””—meaning Zenothemis: I was listening, you know. “How he stuffs himself with the dainties and has covered his cloak with soup, and how much food he hands to his attendant standing behind him! He thinks that the others do not see him, but he forgets the people at his back. Point it out to Lycinus, so that he can testify to it.’ But I had no need of Ion to point it out, for I had seen it all from my coign of vantage some time ago.
12
12
LYCINUS
12
12
Just as Cleodemus said that, Alcidamas the Cynic romped in uninvited, getting off the commonplace joke about Menelaus coming of his own accord.
12
1
12
Most of them thought he had done an impudent
12
thing, and they slyly retorted. with the first thing they could think of, one growling under his breath,
12
Menelaus, thou’rt a fool!
12
Iliad 7, 109.
12
another:
12
But Agamemnon, Atreus’ son, was sorely vexed,
12
Iliad 1, 24.
12
and others other remarks that, in the circumstances, were to the point and witty. But nobody dared to speak out, for they all feared Alcidamas, who was really “good at the war-cry,”
12
2
12
and the noisiest of all the Cynic barkers, for which reason he was considered a superior person and was a great terror to everybody.
13
13
LYCINUS
13
13
Aristaenetus commended him and bade him take a chair and sit beside Histiaeus and Dionysodorus. “Get out with you!” said he. “What you tell me to do is womanish and weak, to sit on a chair or on a stool, like yourselves on that soft bed, lying almost flat on your batks while you feast, with purple cloths under you. I shall take my dinner on my feet as I walk about the dining-room, and if I get tired I'll lie on the floor, leaning on my elbow, with my cloak under me, like Heracles in the pictures they paint of him.” “Very well,” said Aristaenetus; “if you prefer it that way.” Then Alcidamas began to circle about for his dinner, shifting 1o richer pasturage as the Scythians do, and following the orbits of the waiters.
14
14
LYCINUS
14
14
But even while he was eating he was not idle, for he talked of virtue and vice all the time, and scoffed at the gold and silver plate; for example, he asked Aristaenetus what was the use of all those great goblets when earthenware would do just as well. But he had begun to be a bore by this time, so Aristaenetus put a quietus on him for the moment by directing the waiter to give him a big bowl and pour him out a stiffer drink. He thought that he had had a good idea, little realising what woes that bowl was destined to give rise to. On taking it, Alcidamas kept quiet for a little while, throwing himself on the floor and lying there halfnaked as he had threatened, with his elbow squared under him and the bowl in his right hand, just as Heracles in the cave of Pholus is represented by the painters.
15
15
LYCINUS
15
15
By this time the cup was going round continually among the rest of the party, there were toasts and conversations, and the lights had been brought in. Meanwhile, noticing that the boy in attendance ~ on Cleodemus, a handsome cup-bearer, was smiling (I must tell all the incidents of the feast, I suppose, especially whatever happened that was rather good), I began to keep special watch to see what he was smiling about. After a little while he went up to Cleodemus as if to take the cup from him, and Cleodemus pressed his finger and gave him two drachmas, I think, along with the cup. The boy responded to the pressure of his finger with another smile, but no doubt did not perceive the money, so that, through his not taking it, the two drachmas fell and made a noise,.and they both blushed very noticeably. Those near by them wondered whose the coins were; for the lad said he had not dropped them, and Cleodemus, beside whom the noise was made, pretended that he had not let them fall. So the matter was disregarded and ignored, since not very many saw it except surely Aristaenetus, for he shifted the boy a little later on, sending him out of the room unobtrusively, and directed one of the full-grown, muscular fellows, a muleteer or stable-boy, to wait on Cleodemus. So the affair turned out in that way, whereas it would have caused Cleodemus great shame if it had been speedily noised about among the whole company instead of being hushed up on the spot by the clever manner in which Aristaenetus treated the silly performance.
16
16
LYCINUS
16
16
The Cynic Alcidamas, who was tipsy by this time, enquired the name of the bride, and then, after calling for silence in a loud voice and fixing his eyes on the women, he said: “Cleanthis, I pledge you Heracles, my patron.” Since everybody laughed at that, he said: “Did you laugh, you scum of the earth, that I gave the bride a toast to our god Heracles? I’d have you to know that if she doesn’t accept the bowl from me, she will never have a son like me, invincible in courage, unfettered in intellect and as strong in body as I am,” and with that he bared himself still more, in the most shameless way. Again the guests laughed at all this, and he got up in anger with a fierce, wild look, clearly not intending to keep the peace any longer. Perhaps he would have hit someone with his staff if just in the nick of time a huge cake had not been brought in; but when he set eyes on that, he became calmer, put away his wrath, and began to walk about and stuff himself.
17
17
LYCINUS
17
17
Most of the
17
company were drunk by then, and the room was full of uproar. Dionysodorus the rhetorician was making speeches, pleading first on one side and then on the other, and was getting applauded by the servants who stood behind him. Histiaeus the grammarian, who had the place next him, was reciting verse, combining the lines of Pindar and Hesiod and Anacreon in such a way as to make out of them a single poem and a very funny one, especially in the part where he said, as though foretelling what was going to happen:
17
They smote their shields together,
17
Iliad 4, 447.
17
and
17
Then lamentations rose, and vaunts of men.
17
Iliad 4, 450
17
1
17
But Zenothemis was reading aloud from a closely written book that he had taken from his attendant.
18
18
LYCINUS
18
18
When, as often happens, the service of the waiters was interrupted for a while, Aristaenetus planned to prevent even that period from being unentertaining and empty, and ordered the clown to come in and do or say something funny, in order to make his guests still merrier. In came an ugly fellow with his head shaven except for a few hairs that stood up straight on his crown. First he danced, doubling himself up and twisting himself about to cut a more ridiculous figure; then he beat time and recited scurrilous verses in an Egyptian brogue, and finally he began to poke fun at the guests.
19
19
LYCINUS
19
19
The rest laughed when they were made fun of, but when he took a fling at Alcidamas in
19
the same way, calling him a Maltese lapdog,
19
1
19
Alcidamas got angry: indeed, for a long time it had been plain that he was jealous because the other fellow was making a hit and holding the attention of the room. So, throwing off his philosopher’s cloak, he challenged him to fight, or else, he said, he would lay his staff on him. Then poor Satyrion, for that was the clown’s name, stood up to him and fought. It was delicious to see a philosopher squaring off at a clown, and giving and receiving blows in turn. Though some. of onlookers were disgusted, others kept laughing, until finally Alcidamas had enough of his punishment, well beaten by a tough little dwarf. So they got roundly laughed at.
20
20
LYCINUS
20
20
At that point Dionicus, the doctor, came in, not long after the fray. He had been detained, he said, to attend a man who had gone crazy, Polyprepon the flute-player; and he told a funny story. He said that he had gone. into the man’s room without knowing that he was already affected by the trouble, and that Polyprepon, getting out of bed quickly, had locked the door, drawn a knife, handed him his flutes and told him to begin playing; and then, because he could not play, had beaten him with a strap on the palms of his hands. At last in the face of so great a peril, the doctor devised this scheme: he challenged him to a match, the loser to get a certain number of blows. First he himself played wretchedly, and then giving up the flutes to Polyprepon, he took the strap and the knife and threw them quickly out of the window into. the open court. Then, feeling safer, he grappled with him and called the neighbours, who prised the door open and rescued him. And he showed the marks of the blows, and a few scratches on his face. Dionicus, who had made no less of a hit than the clown, thanks to his story, squeezed himself in beside Histiaeus and fell to dining on what was left. His coming was a special dispensation, for he proved very useful in what followed.
21
LYCINUS You see, a servant came into the midst of us, saying that he was from Hetoemocles the Stoic and carrying a paper which he said his master had told him to read in public, so that everybody would hear, and then to go back again. On getting the consent of Aristaenetus, he went up to the lamp and began to read. PHILO I suppose, Lycinus, that it was an address in praise of the bride, or else a wedding-song? They often write such pieces. LYCINUS Of course we ourselves expected something of the sort, but it was far from that: its contents were:
22
LYCINUS "Hetoemocles the philosopher to Aristaenetus. “How I feel about dining out, my whole past life can testify; for although every day I am pestered by many men much richer than you are, nevertheless I am never. forward about accepting, as I am familiar with the disturbances and riotous doings at dinnerparties. But in your case and yours only I think I have reason to be angry, because you, to whom I have so long ministered indefatigably, did not think fit to number me among your friends: no, I alone do not count with you, and that too though I live next door. I am indignant, therefore, and more on your account than on my own, because you have shown yourself so thankless, For me, happiness is not a matter of getting a wild boar, a hare or a cake— things which I enjoy ungrudged at the tables of other people who know what is right. Indeed, today I might have had dinner with my pupil Pammenes (and a splendid dinner, too, they say), but I did not accede to his entreaties, saving myself for you, fool that I was.
23
23
LYCINUS
23
23
You, however, have given me the go-by and are entertaining others. No wonder, for you are even yet unable to distinguish between the better and the worse, and you have not the faculty of direct comprehension, either. But I know where all this comes from—those wonderful philosophers of yours, Zenothemis and the Labyrinth, whose mouths I could very soon stop, I know, with a single syllogism, Heaven forgive me for boasting! Just let one of them say what philosophy is, or, to go back to the elements, what is the difference between attribute and accident.
23
1
23
I shall not mention an of the fallacies like ‘ the horns,’ ‘ the heap,’ or ‘ the mower.’
23
2
23
“Well, much may your philosophers profit you! Holding as I do that only what is honourable is good, I shall easily stand the slight.
24
24
LYCINUS
24
24
But you need not think you can afterwards take refuge in the plea that you forgot me in all the confusion and bother, for I spoke to you twice to-day, not only in the morning at your house, but later in the day, when you were sacrificing at the temple of Castor and Pollux, “I have made this statement to set myself right with your guests.
25
25
LYCINUS
25
25
But if you think that I am angry over a mere dinner, call to mind the story of Oeneus and you will see that Artemis herself was angry because she was the only one whom he had not asked to the sacrifice when he entertained all the rest-of the gods. Homer puts it something like this: Whether he forgot or would not, greatly was his soul at fault.
25
1
25
Euripides says:
25
This land is Calydon, lying over seas
25
From Pelops’ isle; a land of fertile plains.
25
From the lost Meleager of Euripides.
25
2
25
And Sophocles:
25
A boar, a monstrous thing, on Oeneus’ fields
25
Turned loose Latona’s lass, who kills afar.
25
From the lost Meleager of Sophocles.
26
26
LYCINUS
26
26
“I bring to your attention only these few points out of many, so that you may learn what sort of man you have left out in favour of Diphilus, whom you entertain and have put in charge of your son. No wonder, for he is nice to the boy and is an indulgent tutor. If it were not beneath me to say such things, I might have told you something more, and if you wished you could find out from Zopyrus, the boy’s attendant, that it is true. But it is wrong to. make trouble at a wedding and to defame others, especially with charges sounseemly. Albeit Diphilus deserves it for having won two pupils away from me, I shall hold my tongue in deference to Philosophy herself.
27
27
LYCINUS
27
27
“I have directed my servant, in case you offer him a portion of boar’s flesh or venison or sesame-cake to bring to me as an excuse for not asking me to dinner, not to take it, for fear it may seem as though I sent him with that in view.”
28
28
LYCINUS
28
28
While all that was being read, my dear fellow, the sweat poured off me for shame, and to quote the saying, I prayed that the earth would swallow me when I saw the guests all laughing at every sentence, especially as many as knew Hetoemocles, a man with gray hair who looked to be highminded. It was a marvel to me that such a man had hoodwinked them, deceiving them with his beard and the concentration expressed in his features. It was my notion that Aristaenetus had not carelessly overlooked him, but that, not thinking he would accept if invited, he would not expose himself to any such treatment, and so thought best not to try him at all.
29
29
LYCINUS
29
29
When at last the slave stopped reading, the whole party looked at Zeno and Diphilus, who were frightened and pale, and by the distress in their faces acknowledged the truth of the charges brought by Hetoemocles. Aristaenetus was perturbed and fall of confusion, but he told us to go on drinking just the same and tried to smooth the business over, smiling as he did so; the servant he sent away with the words: “I will see to it.” After a little while Zeno withdrew unobservedly, for his attendant directed him to go, as if at the bidding of his father.
30
30
LYCINUS
30
30
Cleodemus had long been looking for an opportunity, as he wanted to pitch into the Stoics and was ready to burst because he could not find a satisfactory opening. But at last the letter gave him his cue, and he said: “That is what your noble Chrysippus does, and your wonderful Zeno and Cleanthes! They are nothing but miserable phrase-makers and question-mongers, philosophers in dress, but in-all else just like Hetoemocles, most of them. And the letter—see how venerable it is! To cap all, Aristaenetus is Oeneus and Hetoemocles is Artemis! Good Lord! In excellent taste, all of it, and just the thing for a festive occasion!”
31
31
LYCINUS
31
31
“Yes,” said Hermon, from his place above Cleodemus, “I suppose he had heard that Aristaenetus had a boar ready for the dinner, so that he thought it not inopportune to mention the boar of Calydon. Come, Aristaenetus, in the name of Hospitality send him a portion with all speed, for fear you may be too late and the old man may waste away like Meleager from hunger! Yet it would be no hardship to him, for Chrysippus held that all such things are of no import.”
31
1
32
32
LYCINUS
32
32
“What, do you dare to mention the name of Chrysippus?” said Zenothemis, rousing himself and shouting at the top of his voice."Dare you judge Cleanthes and Zeno, who were learned men, by a single individual who is not a regular philosopher, by Hetoemocles the charlatan? Whoare you two, pray, to say all that? Hermon, didn’t you cut off the hair of the Twin Brethren because it was gold?
32
1
32
You'll suffer for it, too, when the executioner gets you! And as for you, Cleodemus, you had an affair with the wife of your pupil Sostratus, and were found out and grossly mishandled. Have the grace to hold your tongues, then, with such sins on your consciences!”’ “But I don’t sell the favours of my own wife as you do,” said Cleodemus, “nor did I take my foreign pupil’s allowance in trust and then swear by Athena Polias that I never had it, nor do I lend money at four per cent. a month, nor throttle my pupils if they fail to pay their fees in time.” “But you can’t deny,” said Zenothemis, “that you sold Crito a dose of poison for his father!”
33
33
LYCINUS
33
33
And with that, being in the act of drinking, he flung on the pair all that was left in the cup, and it was about half full! Ion also got the benefit of his nearness to them, and he quite deserved it. Well, Hermon, bending forward, began wiping the wine from his head and calling the guests to witness what had been done to him. But Cleodemus, not having a cup, whirled about and spat on Zenothemis; then, taking him by the beard with his left hand, he was about to hit him in the face, and would have’ killed the old man if Aristaenetus had not stayed his hand, stepped over Zenothemis and lain down between them, to separate them and make them keep the peace with him for a dividing-wall.
34
34
LYCINUS
34
34
While all this was going -on, Philo, various thoughts were in my mind; for example, the very obvious one that it is no good knowing the liberal arts if one doesn’t improve his way of living, too. At any rate, the men I have mentioned, though clever in words, were getting laughed at, I saw, for their deeds. And then I could not help wondering whether what everyone says might not after all be true, that education leads men away from right thinking, since they persist in having no regard for anything but books and the thoughts in them. At any rate, though so many philosophers were present, there really was not a single one to be seen who was devoid of fault, but some acted disgracefully and some talked still more disgracefully; and I could not lay what was going on to the wine, considering what Hetoemocles had written without having had either food or drink.
35
35
LYCINUS
35
35
The tables were turned, then, and the unlettered folk were manifestly dining i in great decorum, without either getting maudlin or behaving disreputably; they simply laughed and passed judgement, perhaps, on the others, whom they used to admire, thinking them men of importance because of the garb they wore. The learned men, on the contrary, were playing the rake and abusing each other and gorging themselves and bawling and coming to blows; and “marvellous” Alcidamas even made water right there in the room, without showing
35
any respect for the women. It seemed to me that, to use the best possible simile, the events of the dinner were very like what the poets tell of Discord. They say, you know, that, not having been asked to the wedding of Peleus, she threw the apple into the company, and that from it arose the great war at Troy.
35
1
35
Well, to my thinking ‘Hetoemocles by throwing his. letter into the midst of us like an Apple of Discord had brought on woes quite as great as those of the Iliad.
36
36
LYCINUS
36
36
The friends of Zenothemis and Cleodemus did not stop quarrelling when Aristaenetus came between them. “For the present,’ said Cleodemus, “it is enough if you Stoics are shown up in your ignorance, but to-morrow I will pay you back as I ought. Tell me, then, Zenothemis, or you, Diphilus, you pattern of propriety, why it is that although you say moneygetting is of no import, you aim at nothing in the world but getting more, and for this reason always hang about rich people and lend money and extort high interest and teach for pay; and again, why is it that although you hate pleasure and inveigh against the Epicureans, you yourselves do to others and suffer others to do to you all that is most shameful for pleasure’s sake; you get angry if a man does not ask you to dinner, and when you are actually asked, you not only eat quantities but hand over quantities to your servants,’—and with that he tried to pull away the napkin that Zenothemis’ slave was holding. It was full of meats of all kinds, and he intended to open it and throw its contents on the ground, but the slave clung to it stoutly and did not let him.
37
37
LYCINUS
37
37
“Bravo, Cleodemus,” said Hermon; “let them tell why they inveigh against pleasure when they themselves want to have more of it than the rest of mankind.” “No,” said Zenothemis, “but do you, Cleodemus, say why you hold that wealth is important.” “No, that is for you to do!” This went on for a long while, until Ion, bending forward to make himself more conspicuous, said: “Stop, and if you wish I will put before you a topic for a discussion worthy of the present festal day, and you shall talk and listen without quarrelling, exactly as in our Plato’s circle, where most of the time was passed in discussion.” All the guests applauded, especially Aristaenetus and Eucritus, who hoped at least to do away with the unpleasantness in that way. Aristaenetus went back to his own place, trusting that peace had been made.
38
LYCINUS At the same time we were served with what they call the “Full Dinner”’—a bird apiece, boar’s flesh and_hare’s, broiled fish, sesame-cakes and sweetmeats; all of which you had leave to carry away. They did not put a separate tray in front of each of us, but Aristaenetus and Eucritus had theirs together on a single table, and each was to take what was on his side. In like manner Zenothemis the Stoic and Hermon the Epicurean had theirs together, and then Cleodemus and Ion, who came next, and after them the bridegroom and myself; Diphilus, however, had two portions set before him, as Zeno had gone away. Remember all this, Philo, please, because it is of importance for my story. PHILO I shall remember, of course.
39
39
LYCINUS
39
39
Well, Ion said: “Then I will begin first, if you like”; and after a little pause: “Perhaps with men of such distinction here we ought to talk of ‘ideas’ and incorporeal entities and the immortality of the soul; but in order that I may not be contradicted by all those who are not of the same belief in philosophy, I shall take the topic of marriage and say what is fitting. It were best not to need marriage, but to follow Plato and Socrates and be content with friendship: at all events only such as they can attain perfection in virtue. But if we must marry, we should have our wives in common, as Plato held, so as to be devoid of envy.”
40
40
LYCINUS
40
40
These remarks gave rise to laughter, because they were made out of season. But Dionysodorus said: “Stop your outlandish jabbering! Where can the word envy be found in that sense, and in what author?”
40
1
40
“What, do you dare open your mouth, you scum of the earth?” said Ion, and Dionysodorus began to give him back his abuse in due form. But the grammarian Histiaeus (simple soul!) said: “Stop, and I will read you a wedding-song,””
41
41
LYCINUS
41
41
and began to read. The verses were these, if I remember right:
41
O what a maiden in the halls
41
Of Aristaenetus
41
Her gentle nurture had, our queen
41
Cleanthis glorious!
41
Superior to other maids
41
As many as there be,
41
Than Aphrodite prettier
41
And Helen eke is she.
41
To you, O groom, a greeting too,
41
Most handsome of your mates
41
And handsomer than those of old
41
Of whom Homer relates.
41
We unto you the song you hear
41
Will sing repeatedly
41
To celebrate your wedding-day:
41
It’s made for both you see!The translator’s version is perhaps better than the original: it could not, be worse.
42
42
LYCINUS
42
42
That caused a laugh, as you can imagine; and then it was time to take what was set before us. Aristaenetus and Eucritus each took the portion in front of him: I took what was mine and Chaereas what was set before him, and Ion and Cleodemus did likewise. But Diphilus wanted to carry off not only his own but all that had been served for Zeno, who was away; he said that it had been served to him alone, and fought with the servants. They caught hold of the bird and tried to pull it away from each other as if they were tugging at the body of Patroclus, and at last he was beaten and let go. He made the company laugh heartily, especially because he was indignant afterwards, just as if he had been done the greatest possible wrong.
43
43
LYCINUS
43
43
Hermon and Zenothemis were lying side by side, as I have said, Zenothemis above and Hermon below him. The shares served them were identical in all but one point, and they began to take them peaceably. But the bird in front of Hermon was the plumper, just by chance, no doubt. In that case too each should have taken his own, but at this juncture Zenothemis—follow me closely, Philo, for we have now reached the crisis of events—Zenothemis, I say, let the bird beside him alone and proceeded to take the one before Hermon, which was fatter, as I have said. Hermon, however, seized it also and would not let him be greedy. Thereat there was a shout: they fell on and actually hit one another in the face with the birds, and each caught the other by the beard and called for help, Hermon to Cleodemus, and Zenothemis to Alcidamus and Diphilus. The philosophers took sides, some with one, and some with the other, except Ion alone.
44
44
LYCINUS
44
44
That man kept himself neutral, and they pitched in and fought. Zenothemis picked up a bowl that was on the table in front of Aristaenetus and threw it at Hermon,
44
And him it missed and went another way;
44
Cf. Iliad 11, 233
44
but it cracked the crown of the bridegroom, inflicting a wound that was generous and deep. Consequently there was an outcry from the women, and most of them sprang to the battle-field, especially the lad’s mother when she saw the blood; and the bride also sprang from her place in alarm over him. Meanwhile Alcidamas distinguished himself on the side of Zenothemis. Laying about him with his staff, he broke the head of Cleodemus and the jaw of Hermon, and he disabled several of the servants who were trying to rescue them. But the -other
44
side did not give way, for Cleodemus with a stifl finger gouged out the eye of Zenothemis and got him by the nose and bit it off, while as for Hermon, when Diphilus was coming to the support of Zenothemis he threw him head first from the couch.
45
45
LYCINUS
45
45
Histiaeus the grammarian was wounded, too, in trying to separate them—he was kicked .in the teeth, I think, by Cleodemus, who supposed him to be Diphilus. At all events the poor fellow was laid low, “vomiting gore,” as his own Homer says. The whole place, however, was full of noise and tears, and the women, gathered about Chaereas, were wailing, while the rest of the men were trying to quiet things down. Alcidamas wes the greatest nuisance in the world, for when he had once routed his opponents he hit everybody that fell in his way. Many would have gone down before him, you may be sure, if he had not broken his staff. As for me, I stood by the wall and watched the whole performance without taking part in it, for Histiaeus had taught me how - tisky it is to try to part such fights. You would have said they were Lapiths and Centaurs, to see tables going over, blood flowing and cups flying.
46
46
LYCINUS
46
46
At last Alcidamas knocked over the lamp-stand and brought on profound darkness, and as you can imagine, the situation became far worse, for it was not easy for them to provide more light, while on the other hand many dire deeds were done in the darkness. When some one finally came in with a lamp, Alcidamas was caught stripping the flute-girl and trying to ravish her, while Dionysodorus was found to have done something else that was ridiculous, for as he got up a bowl fell out of the folds of his cloak. Then by way of clearing himself he said that Ion had picked it up in the confusion and had given it to him, so that it might not get lost; and Ion considerately said that he had done so.
47
47
LYCINUS
47
47
Thereupon the dinner-party broke up. After the tears, it had ended in a new burst of laughter over Alcidamas, Dionysodorus and Ion. The wounded men were carried away in sorry condition, especially the old man Zenothemis, who had one hand on his nose and the other on his eye and was shouting that he was dying with pain, so that Hermon, in spite of his own sad plight (for he had had two teeth knocked out) called attention to it and said: “Just remember, Zenothemis, that you do consider pain of some cunsequence, after all!” The bridegroom, after his wound had been dressed by Dionicus, was taken home with his head wrapped in bandages, in the carriage in which he had expected to take away his bride; it was a bitter wedding that he celebratcd, poor fellow! As for the rest, Dionicus did the best he could for them and they were taken of to bed, most of them vomiting in the streets. But Alcidamas stayed right there, for they could not turn the man out, once he had thrown himself down crosswise on the couch and gone to sleep.
48
48
LYCINUS
48
48
Well, Philo, that was the end of the dinner-party: it would be better, though, to say at the close as they do in the plays of Euripides:
48
In many shapes appear the powers above,
48
And many things the gods surprise us with,
48
While those we look for do not come about.These lines occur at the close of the Alcestis, the Andromache, the Barchae and the Helen, and, with a slight change, in the Medea.
48
For all of it, you know, was quite unexpected. This much, however, I have at last learned, that it is not safe for a man of peace to dine with men so learned.