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CHARON Let me tell you how you stand; your boat is small, as you can see, and unsound, and leaks almost all over; if it lists one way or the other, it will capsize and sink. Yet you come in such numbers all at once, each of you laden with luggage. If, then, you take all this on board, I’m afraid you’ll be sorry for it later on, particularly those of you that can’t swim. DEAD MEN Well, what shall we do to have a good passage? CHARON I’ll tell you. Strip yourselves before you come on board, and leave all this useless stuff on the shore; for, even then, the ferry will hardly hold you. It will be up to you, Hermes, to let none of them aboard after this, unless he has stripped himself and thrown away his trappings, as I said he must. Go and stand by the gangway, and sort them out for admission. Make them strip, before you let them on board.

HERMES Well spoken. Let’s do as you say. Who’s this first one? MENIPPUS I’m Menippus. But see, here’s my bag for you, Hermes, and my stick; into the water with them. My cloak I didn’t even bring—and a good job too! HERMES Come on board, Menippus, best of men, and take the seat of honour up beside the steersman, so that you can keep an eye on the others.

HERMES And who’s this handsome fellow? CHARMOLEOS Charmoleos, the darling of Megara, whose kiss was worth two talents. HERMES Then off with your beauty and your lips, kisses and all, your luxuriant hair, your rosy cheeks and all your skin; that’s fine, now you’re travelling light, and may come on board.

HERMES And who are you over here, with the purple robe and diadem, you who are so solemn? LAMPICHUS Lampichus, tyrant of Gela. HERMES Well why, Lampichus, do you bring all that with you? LAMPICHUS Well, what should I do? Ought a tyrant to come naked, Hermes? HERMES A tyrant shouldn’t, but a dead man most certainly should. So off with it all. LAMPICHUS There you are; there goes my wealth. HERMES Away too with your vanity, Lampichus, and your pride; they will weigh down the ferry, if they come in along with you. LAMPICHUS Then at least allow me to keep my diadem and my mantle. HERMES Certainly not; away with these too. LAMPICHUS Very well. What else? I’ve thrown away everything, as you can see. HERMES There remain your cruelty, folly, insolence, and temper; away with these too. LAMPICHUS There you are; I’m stripped.

HERMES Now you may get in. You, the fat and fleshy one, who are you? DAMASIAS Damasias, the athlete. HERMES Yes, you look like him. I know you, having often seen you in the ring. DAMASIAS Yes, Hermes; but let me in; I’m stripped to the skin. HERMES No, you’re not, my good fellow, not while you have all that flesh on you. Well, take it off, for you’ll sink the boat, if you only put one foot aboard. Off too with those wreaths and proclamations of your prowess. DAMASIAS There you are; I’m really stripped now, as you see, and no heavier than the other dead.

HERMES It’s better that you should be light like that; get in then. You too, Craton, off with your wealth and your effeminacy too, and your luxury, and don’t bring your funeral trappings or your ancestors’ reputations, but leave behind family, fame, all public proclamations in your honour, and the inscriptions on your statues, and say nothing of the mighty tomb they raised over your body. Even the mention of such things weighs down the boat. CRATON I don’t like it, but away they go. What choice have I?

HERMES Good gracious! You there—what do you want with all that armour? Why do you carry that trophy? GENERAL Because I was victorious, won the prize for valour, and was honoured by my city. HERMES Leave your trophy on earth above; there’s peace in Hades and weapons won’t be needed.

HERMES But here’s an august personage, to judge by his appearance, and a proud man. Who can he be, with his haughty eyebrows, thoughtful mien, and bushy beard? MENIPPUS A Philosopher, Hermes, or rather an impostor, full of talk of marvels. Strip him too, and you’ll see many amusing things covered up under his cloak. HERMES You there, off first with your clothes, and then with all this here. Ye gods, what hypocrisy he carries, what ignorance, contentiousness, vanity, unanswerable puzzles, thorny argumentations, and complicated conceptions—yes, and plenty of wasted effort, and no little nonsense, and idle talk, and splitting of hairs, and, good heavens, here’s gold too, and soft living, shamelessness, temper, luxury, and effeminacy! I can see them, however much you try to hide them. Away with your falsehood too, and your pride, and notions of your superiority over the rest of men. If you came on board with all these, not even a battleship would be big enough for you. PHILOSOPHER Then I take them off, since these are your orders.

MENIPPUS But he ought to take off that beard as well, Hermes; it’s heavy and shaggy, as you can see. He has at least five pounds of hair there. HERMES Well spoken. Off with that too. PHILOSOPHER Who will be my barber? HERMES Menippus here will take a shipwright’s axe and cut it off; he can use the gangway as his block. MENIPPUS No, Hermes, pass me up a saw. That’ll be better fun. HERMES The axe will do well enough. That’s fine. You look more human, now that you’ve lost that goat’s beard of yours. MENIPPUS Shall I take a little off his eyebrows as well? HERMES By all means; he has them rising high over his forehead, as he strains after something or other. What’s this? Crying, you scum? Afraid to face death? Get in with you. MENIPPUS He still has the heaviest thing of all under his arm. HERMES What, Menippus? MENIPPUS Flattery, Hermes, which was often most useful to him in life. PHILOSOPHER What about you then, Menippus? Off with your independence, plain speaking, cheerfulness, noble bearing, and laughter. You’re the only one that laughs. HERMES Do nothing of the sort, but keep them, Menippus; they’re light and easy to carry, and useful for the voyage.

HERMES But you, Rhetorician, throw away your endless loquacity, your antitheses, balanced clauses, periods, foreign phrases, and everything else that makes your speeches so heavy. RHETORICIAN Look, away they go. HERMES Good. Loose the hawsers, then, let’s pull in the gangway, raise anchor and spread the sail, and you, Charon, take the rudder and see to the steering, and good luck to us.

HERMES Why are you groaning like that, you fools, and you, in particular, the Philosopher just despoiled of the beard? PHILOSOPHER Because, Hermes, I thought my soul was immortal. MENIPPUS He’s lying; something else seems to be grieving him. HERMES What? MENIPPUS That he’ll have no more expensive dinners, or go out at night, unknown to all, with his cloak wrapped over his head, and go the round of the brothels, and never again take money next morning for cheating the young men with his show of wisdom. That’s what grieves him. PHILOSOPHER Aren’t you sorry to die yourself, Menippus? MENIPPUS How so, when I was eager for death According to Diogenes Laertius, VI. 100, Menippus hanged himself. and needed no invitation?

MENIPPUS But, as I speak, don’t I hear the noise of what seems to be shouting on earth? HERMES Yes, Menippus, and coming from several quarters. In one place they’ve all flocked to the assembly, glad and laughing over the death of Lampichus, while the women have got hold of his wife, and his tiny children too are being pelted by the other children with showers of stones. Then there are others, in Sicyon, applauding Diophantus, the Rhetorician, for his funeral speech over Craton here; and, upon my word, there’s the mother of Damasias wailing with the other women, and leading the dirge over him. But nobody weeps for you, Menippus; you’re the only one lying in peace.

MENIPPUS Not so; soon you’ll hear the dogs howling most piteous laments over me, and the ravens flapping their wings in mourning, when they gather and perform my burial. HERMES You’re a man of spirit, Menippus. But, now that we’ve reached port, off to the court with you along that straight path, while the ferryman and I go for another lot. MENIPPUS A good voyage to you, Hermes; but let’s be on our way too. Why do you keep on lingering? We shall have to be judged, and they say the sentences are heavy, wheels and stones and vultures; and the life of each of us will be revealed.